merry christmas and all that!!!

my first buy (almost) nothing christmas

hey there! hope your holiday is awesome. santa is good to you. time with your loved ones is relatively stress-free. and that there are lots of those little joy-filled moments one on top of another so that it seems like one big long joy-filled moment. that's what it's been like for me. a week with my mom, meeting her friends, playing jeopardy with her boyfriend (and kicking his ass everytime), an amazing party (night) with friends, watching it's a wonderful life with grandpa on christmas eve - damn I love that movie, I cry every time george finds zuzu's petals, and when he marries mary, and when he has to make one more sacrifice to help someone else or his town altogether... I hope there never comes a time when that movie doesn't reach me. It's so good because it's just honest about the despair a man can feel when his dreams don't come true and it seems like his life has been nothing.

waiting now for dad to come pick me up for breakfast and gift opening at home (I have nothing for anybody... and they all understand). I really haven't had to worry about shopping which has made a ridiculous difference in stress levels, let me tell you. But I do have gifts for people that I actually put a lot of work into and I think they'll really be appreciated. Just be patient... on boxing day I will go pick up the "packaging" and then you'll see!

so have an awesome day and I will talk to you soon!

what a nice boy - 2006

Once upon a time, there was a girl who had a ball of anger in her belly. this ball was big and radioactive and it made her sick. all kinds of sick; her heart hurt, her mind hurt, her head hurt, her toes hurt, even her fingers and her earlobes hurt. she also had a very big heart, but this radioactive ball sent out poisons that kept everything from working properly, especially her heart. So she didn't show love the way she felt it, she didn't know how to be happy and trust when someone loved her. Some people that she loved more than anything else didn't even know how much she loved them!

This girl wasn't born with the ball in her belly. It started when she was young and somebody taught her to feel hurt. But it grew and grew from all of the times she was afraid or sad or hurt, and she buried those feelings deep inside of her and they became this bad bad ball. So you see, the ball wasn't anger on the inside, it only became anger around the shell. For a long time, there was nobody to help the girl to see that she didn't need to be afraid or sad or angry. because everyone around her had their own fears and balls of anger to deal with. And they all thought it was normal! But one day, a kind boy was became the girl's very good friend and he told her something nobody had ever told her before. That there's no need for all that pain! He said there is a God whose love is stronger, more resilient than any poison, and that love can cut through any darkness. he can take that anger, fear, and sadness from you and make you like you never had it. You can be a new person, all you have to do is rest in God. Trust in him for everything.

He taught her just like what a prophet said, Who is among you that feareth (which is more like respecting and loving) the Lord, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh in darkness and hath no light? Let him trust in the name of the Lord and stay upon his God. (Isaiah 50:10)

And so she did what that boy said. She trusted that God did not want her to have all that pain and that he was big enough to take it all away from her. And her life became perfect!!! Noooo... But! From that moment on, any pain, hurt, sadness, strife that came her way could not destroy the peace she found. And people began to learn how much she loved them, and they all came to be able to help each other heal. And so it goes, not a perfect paradise but pretty darn beautiful.

The I and the Me (Sociology study notes part two)

George Herbert Mead's socialization and self theory

am I me? is me who I really am? when I say I, I am talking about a person who exists without reference to any people around me or any perceived potential fallout to action I take, or things I say. When I say me, I'm talking about others and how they see me. You see? I can't say me without thinking of the others because there is no me without you!

the game (Sociology study notes)

hey steve this is for you

"I imagine your mind, and especially what your mind thinks about my mind, and what your mind thinks about what my mind thinks about your mind. I dress my mind before yours and expect that you will dress yours before mine. Whoever cannot or will not perform these feats is not properly in the game." --- Charles Horton Cooley, 1902

Cooley was a sociologist who was concerned with socialization and the self. his main theory was called the looking glass self. he figured the self developed as the individual concerns himself with how he wanted others to see him. he saw our socialization as performance. anyhoooooo i just thought you might dig the quote but figured I should give you some background. that's all.

if i think about it hard enough, I'm back there...

I'm in that green green room. the walls sponge painted that dark green on lime green. the moulding the dark green. the subsistent leafy plant on the window sill next to the oscillating fan and the guiness glass of pennies. just to the right of centre, dan is sitting on the floor resting on the futon playing star wars: jedi knights on his computer. I am curled up against the side of the futon, kind of watching, kind of just there. As I remember it now, there is a playlist playing with the soundtrack from the end of the affair mixed in with radiohead. I know that's not true. Because he's playing video games on his computer so there can't be music playing. if anything, there is the sound of the video game which does include music.

we're not talking. every once in a while he'll explain something about the game, or show me something really cool. but I don't really want to talk because I am not here to bother him. Being around him makes things better without needing to talk. And I know he's way too polite to tell me to shut the fuck up, even if he wanted to. Because sometimes when I talk, I talk way more than I mean to. It's been a rough week. I'm stressed. Home is actually a sanctuary again. My two awesome roommates are a sanctuary. We have overcome all of the cleaning/chores bullshit... (because I finally realized that everyone was doing their part but with 3 people and our insane cat it's never going to be the same as my place with Elisabeth. We kept that place clean, because she really cared about that stuff. Got me to care too, which caused so much crap when I moved in here with dan and steve. poor guys... I can laugh about it now and I hope they do too... but I digress.) Now I absolutely love being here with them all of the time, instead of just pockets of time when I can manage to not be stupid, like before. The talks, the debates, the coffee, the silence. So back to the green room and the Jedi Knights. Dan demonstrating the choosing of the character and the gear and the store, like he's 12 he gets so excited. And I just feel so happy. So at peace. My thoughts are all quiet ones for the first time since the latest family drama/trauma. But I spent hours talking about that with Steve last night, and now I just need to not. We joke a bit about his buddy Jesse, and about how I think he's superhot. But then, back to the game. Dan gets into a great lightsabre fight, and I confess, I am riveted. It is like watching a movie, except your buddy beside you is in it. crazy.

I didn't blog much those days, even though I was happy and stuff, just not inspired. My job, the future stretching out before me looking exactly the same as today, the dreams I can barely remember, the sense that I'm losing my voice. That's before I applied to school. I'm afraid that all the great experiences with these guys will get lost, that's why I'm here again. That's why I came back to this crazy-painted apartment with the teeny tiny kitchen with the beatles poster on the wall, with the giant dinosaur microwave acting as microwave stand for the little microwave. To the guys I took for granted way too much. To the peace and patience and friendship Dan gave me without even thinking about it. So these days I don't see him much and I talk to him less, not like Steve who I still kind of talk to every day, one way or the other. That's why I'm back here in this green room watching Dan play Jedi Knights. The purple comforter bunched up in the corner still kind of smells like cat pee, smoke is in the air because this is before Dan quit and we just both had a cigarette. He usually doesn't mind sharing with me even though I am not a smoker. Oh, I remember the times we used to go out in the cold to get him smokes... the time that the convenience store beside that Chinese Food place (what was that called???) AND the gas station were closed and we had to walk to the other side of the mall... woooow. so cold. sorry, did it again. So. Every few minutes I space out and start looking at his books again. Absentmindedly pick one up off the floor and start thumbing through it. The fight didn't go the way he wanted it to so he has just reset the game. that'll probably happen a few times. And I'll just sit here, curled up against the railing of the futon, happier than anyone should ever be in a green green room.

...and all this is to whom?

My thoughts on Blogging

this one is atleast partially inspired by marieseda ---- as I mentioned over at her blog, I am in love with blogging. it's not always a perfect relationship, but it's cool cause I dictate it. It's my sanctuary. My voice. Me. Bruises, blemishes, flaws and all. Where's my heart? As always, right out there sitting on my sleeve for all to see. Full disclosure has always been my policy, because I don't really know who else reads it except my friends to whom I gave the link. If some random cat in manitoba reads it and digs it, that's cool. no harm. I have been told by some I am too honest. I've also been told by other's that there's nothing wrong with that. Well, for good or for ill, my policy stands. Full disclosure. Take me or leave me, love me or hate me, dig me or ditch me...

this is kristin.

this is for diogo

Motho ke motho ka Batho

this is Bantu (or some related tongue) for "a person is a person because of other people". In Communalistic societies, for instance Bantu, humans are social beings and the self is not emphasized. The community is important. What's good for society is good for the people in it. We live in an Liberalistic or Individualistic society where people all believe that happiness comes through self actualization. Where the community is becoming less and less a real thing. To be YOU and to make yourself happy is all that we have time for. The Nguni and Bantu word Ntu, meaning nothing, is derived from the word Muntu (person). This is not to say that a person is nothing, just empty and soulless, not at all. It means that a person is not a thing. The essence of a person cannot be captured in a definition as an object... because a person is a subject. The essence of a person is fluid, always evolving, thinking and feeling, moving through time and space as time and space move through them. Every thought or feeling makes you a new reality. Your experiences build you. The people you love and who love you build you.

So when a person decides he has a weakness, and wants to overcome it so that the quality of his life might be improved, he can evolve and there is no fear of losing the thing that makes him him. Because there is no thing that makes him him. He just is and does and goes and feels and sees and believes and grows.


If anyone is interested, I found this dissertation written by a scholar at the University of Pretoria. About the difference between the two types of societies. But this was actually all inspired by Ed and Sociology class today.

cheating - cause I wanted to put this in my profile

a picture of moi taken at kew beach.

streaming consciousness

So this will be a post where I just type and type to sort of think about all of the things going on in my busy little brain and roll it out before me flat so I can just check up on some things. What follows will likely be an edited version of the original... something I almost never do.

In this mind of Kristin there are layers of thought, layers of consciousness, layers of reality... and they are piled on top of one another, pieces covering others, obscuring and making things difficult to process properly. All of these unexamined and uninspected layers are still affecting my behaviour though, my actions, feelings and their antecedent thoughts... and I feel like it doesn't make sense. I'm contradicting myself. I'm not even sure how I really feel. Am I happy? Or am I sad? Is there some anger weaving itself through? Is there loneliness, or is that longing?

The only thing I truly understand is love. My love for my friends is uncomplicated. Gratitude cannot be exaggerated. Deepened understanding of people I've only partly known, deeper respect for people who have always deserved it but probably don't know how much, deeper admiration of my friends and all their beautiful qualities and the richness they add to my life. If you're reading this thinking that sounds like you, it is. If you're reading this hoping I think of you this way, I do.

Adding to the confusion are all these separate streams of discussion, which are all fun and interesting and I am learning a lot, I just find myself debating and 'arguing' which I actually I don't like. Laugh, chuckle, snort on that if you want, if you don't believe me. But it's true. I will (as many of you will attest) debate or argue until I pass out if I feel like I must, but it's not fun for me. There are many other ways of discussion I find more conducive to concensus and/or understanding and I much prefer a calmer dialogue or (poly?)logue (gosh, that's so not a word but I think you know what I mean). when I argue my blood rises and my vessels constrict and my brain doesn't function the way I like it to. I tend to feel defensive... fight or flight becomes my only guttural dilemma.

So I'm contradicting myself. I'm saying things that aren't strictly true, although they're not lies because I'm just not even thinking right. I'm lowering my level of decision processing, I'm convincing myself that ideas I detest are acceptable, feelings that surprise me are swept under rugs; I'm avoiding. I'm painfully aware of all the work sorting through this mess takes, the emotional toll of the consequences I've racked up... and I'm just 'goin where the wind takes me' cause it's easier.

My friends, I need you. I need the inspiration you never fail to provide. I need the love you never refuse. That being said, that 'comments' button is not an invitation to advice. This post is me being honest with myself. Advice is not necessarily asked for but phone and e-mail or at a coffee house would be the preferred venues.

quoting you quoting me

below is an excerpt from a letter I wrote jacqueline when she moved to vancouver.

I know how scary it can be to change your life in such a big fell swoop. But if there's anyone strong enough to weather it and come out on top, it's you. You deserve to find more happiness than you can even imagine and you should pursue that more intensely than you've pursued anything ever before...

...Our relationship was always more complicated than I wanted it to be. I regret that you probably never knew how much I wished for us to be friends. I will not speak to blame here, only to all the miscommunication and the wall(s) between us. I regret it all. I've learned from it though and I will never allow it to happen again. People will not question (or doubt) how I feel about them. I guess the more complications there are, the harder it is to reach out to a person and let them know how you feel. Like, the more important it is, the more you fear a rejection and the more your fearful brain screams at you to NOT REACH OUT, that often you don't hear the opportunity, sometimes the last one, TO REACH OUT. Yes. Live and learn is right!

what can I say, but you got me. I made that promise to myself just as much as to you. jac posted this to her LJ today, as I knew she would.

so it's that time again...

I feel it in me, bubbling up wordlessly, the rhythm of a poem that must be allowed to roam the sound waves of the voices that will read it.

so many things in my life right now seem to be just beneath the surface trying to be born.

the question is how to tap the reserves without an inappropriate mixing of metaphors.

this is me...

Jac and I were reminiscing and found this post on her livejournal. I always loved hearing this, and sometimes I need to be reminded that this is me.

Magical Journey
KJ:

Who are you? How do I explain? You’re powerful, conscious, open. Someone I worked with once, true, a colleague but we never really spoke. You reached out, saw our similarities, our strength, support. I ran the other way, didn’t like you for no reason at all. No reason except fear, fear of the spirit you possessed, the courage to love openly, gain strength from sharing your heart. And now here we are, miles apart and our voices unite, provide encouragement as we journey through our twisting and turning alleys. Around every dark corner a new surprise. Our roads converged as we said goodbye. You’re the spark behind my voice, igniting all the things I’ve held in too long. My echo through the distance, keeping him real in my mind, reminding me of what I’ve discovered deep inside. He awakened the sleeping demons deep within only to prove that devils truly are angels in disguise. He showed me the way and you hold my hand when it gets tough to breathe. My feelings scatter, a rollercoaster of emotion but you bring reason as the words purge forth from my fingers. So how then do I explain you in a brief exchange when the words fail to come? I can’t hide you, won’t. You’re up front and center. Yet when asked, I can only spit out- a girl from back home who I worked with once. So unsatisfactory. The simplicity nothing compared to your magic.

Did I Tell You...?

So some people have been kind enough to remind me that I haven't written anything new on "my story blog" for a while. now I have. and it's not a bull**** post like the last one.

I was talking to Dan recently and that reminded me that if you don't write everyday, you're not really working on your story. Right now I'm just keeping it alive... like life support.

world premiere screening of Confusions of an Unmarried Couple

Substance Productions, aka the Butler Brothers are screening their 3rd film, Confusions of an unmarried couple, for the first time ever.

Sunday, November 26th, 6:30PM
INNIS TOWN HALL THEATRE
2 Sussex Ave., Toronto, ON.
Admission: FREE

to view the trailer for this film, go to the substance productions myspace site (or click here) to see a trailer for confusions of an unmarried couple

to read a review for confusions of an unmarried couple click here!

I'll see you there!

french bugs

next blog button took me to this blog with pictures of insects and cool stuff that i didn't want to forget.

not born to shop part 2

so I was good. I bought exactly what I needed, what I wanted at a good price. resisted h&m, zara, ae and the gap with relative ease. supported jamie as he bought shoes, a shirt and a scarf. I didn't even buy food in the food court. I'm in training for buy nothing day.

we had group presentations today in the civil studies class - my group did a report on the toronto public spaces committee, james' group covered the ontario coalition against poverty. one of the ocap guys made a really great point - generally people spend about $100 - $200 a week on themselves, just on things like coffee and food. ya know, spending cash. there is a supplement for registered homeless people of $27 a week. so, not that I think they should get more or less, it's just an interesting way to look at things.

what about this: buy nothing christmas!!! I've already told people to not expect too much from this starving student, but this appeals to me because it takes the commercialism out of the holidays. I can't imagine that the original intent of exchanging gifts was to put money in the pockets of the corporations.

coming soon to a blog near you...

an ode to el chupacabra is in the works. see also jacobs' blog for a recent post emitting love for chupy.

not born to shop...

Did you know that November 24th is buy nothing day?? According to adbusters, the point of life is not to consume consume consume until you're happy. What? Really?

okay, yes I'm being sarcastic. stuff doesn't make you happy. the more stuff you have, the more stuff you want. it is the vicious-est of circles.

no thought provoking essay on this topic this morning, I have to meet my buds at Gabby's and have lunch before I go shopping at the Eaton's Centre with James, who has his mother's credit card to buy his birthday present(s). I just really need a new pair of shoes!!! yes, this would be an example of irony. (actually my shoes have holes in them so this is a purchase of necessity. I will try to avoid the sales racks at the gap, h&m, zara, ae, etc.,).

like, oh my god... (the valley girl post)

I'm sooooo tired. like, for real.

seriously, though. I have, like, all of these assignments, most of which are group projects, and no energy. Plus I love it when the other members of your group don't even bother to like show up for the meeting 2 days before the presentation to put it all together and make sure it's all good. totally, props to Valya, the only other member to show up. and did anyone call to let me know they weren't coming??? um, no I don't think so. Like, as if I really need this, ya know???

I just wanna sleep for like a week and I totally can't even do that!!!

to all you bible talk types...

just to let you know i posted some stuff on the bible talk blog (yes, it still exists!) and prettied it up a bit.

thank you monty, thank you el chupacabra...

thanks to my good friend el chupacabra, and his friend Monty, I actually had the opportunity to meet the mayor of Toronto, David Miller this evening at The Political Party at the Revival on College Street. That was quite the thing for me. I've always really liked Miller's stand, his vision, and his methods. before tonight I was about 99% sure of who I will be voting for on the 13th of November. After tonight, all uncertainty is gone. Pitfield has no vision, she wants to "take the city in a whole new direction," and she's just not as classy. During her time on stage, she took some really cheap shots at him which I thought were pretty offensive. And when Miller came up to the podium, he did not say one word about her. I didn't hear him talk about 'his opponent' once. And you know, back to that, I don't like the direction she wants to take the city in, for the most part. I agree with her on points but I do not agree with some of her proposed methods.

And I like when Miller talks about Toronto. What a great city it is, and how much potential it has. How we have a lot of work to do but if we come together we can make some great things happen. Pitfield says things about wanting to make Toronto a city she can be proud of. are you kidding me??? this city is freakin awesome, there are days when I seriously fall in love all over again like it was the first time. But nobody is perfect, and miller is right. people need to understand that this is their city, and that when people get involved at the grassroots level, the government can do so much more. (that was when we were chatting all intimate like) Case Ootes would not have been able to prevent so much of the Bike Plan coming into fruition if more people had come together and spoken up.

you may have seen me on CityTV tonight... I just remembered that as I was having my chat with dave, the cameras came on. when the light shone from behind me I almost passed out, completely lost my train of thought and stumbled on my words. do you think he noticed?

This is a link!!!!

I will need a date for this event brought to you by Spacing magazine (a seasonal must-read for anyone who loves this city of ours) and Eye Weekly:

"The Political Party, an event that brings together Toronto's leading mayoral candidates. Mayor David Miller and challenger Jane Pitfield will outline their visions for Toronto's public spaces and face pointed questions from our panel of John Lorinc (urban affairs journalist for Toronto Life, Globe and Mail, Spacing Votes), Ed Keenan (Eye Weekly City editor), and Dale Duncan (Spacing managing editor).

Following the mayoral event will be an old-fashioned rock n' roll show with special musical guests (we're keeping that underwraps to be suspense!). Stick around to mingle with the candidates, dance to the tunes of our DJ, and chat about the upcoming election."

yes, dammit! i'll fight!

I wonder if it isn't time to quit blaming the politicians when nothing happens. Common Election campaign sign slogans I encountered today "It's time for change." As if a new mayor or even a new council will change anything. The problem is us. We are none of us Activists, and only a small percentage of us Citizens, rather we are mostly Consumers. The problem is that this city is crying out for activists - which is just at the very least, speaking the eff up. Ask these guys - why the fuck didn't you fill in the bike survey? for crying out loud why the hell should i vote for you? or discuss these things with each other? or even more, join a group that lobbies for bike path development, or the protection of public space, or the integration of the green bin into apartment dwellings or something you're passionate about. or maybe run for council, school trustee or even mayor yourself? do you know how easy it is? just check out this site who runs this town? started by dave meslin, the founder of the toronto public space committee. Let's get passionate! This city is not just a bunch of grids where we work and go home to watch tv. it is a living organism and it could be thriving so much more if we weren't choking it to death on car fumes and apathy.

okay, now i feel better.

fight the good fight???

...or just give in to the inevitable? We are becoming a society willing to give up citizenship and community more and more as we become not just consumers, but Consumers.

below is a quote (which includes a sub-quote) from The Reinvention of Work by Matthew Fox, which I am reading for my Work & Life class in school.

"Czechoslovakian playwright and former president Vaclav Havel warns fo the spiritual disease engendered by a consumer culture--one in which a "desparate substitute for living" is represented as human life:

'In the interest of the smooth management of society, then, society's attention is deliberately divererted from itself, that is, from social concerns. By nailing a man's whole attention to the floor of his mere consumer interests, it is hoped to render him incapable of appreciating the ever-increasing degree of his spiritual, political and moral degradation.'

Life becomes "reduced to a a hunt for consumer goods," and freedom becomes trivialized to mean "a chance freely to choose which washin machine or refrigerator {one} wants to buy." Consumer bliss has the effect of diverting people's energy away from the community to the self... Clearly the price the community pays for consumerism is very steep."

I don't really think i need to add anything right now, besides I need to eat or i may faint.

Caledonia

TEMPERS FLARE!!

so reads the headline of the toronto Sun today. the last time I blogged about the Caledonia Standoff, I just cut & pasted an article from somewhere else. this time it's my own words.

i'm riding the bus home from school today, and beside me lies today's sun, and the subheading catches my eye. It turns out that 500 people decided to protest the Native Occupation of a subdivision that is on disputed land. Two superficial and subtly biased paragraphs into the article I feel the anger welling up in me... the ignorance and bigotry still horrifies me. How can this be??? In Canada, for heaven's sake. These people were attempting to cross the barrier into the disputed parts, and were barred by the OPP. This is an old dispute, 200 years of social injustice, and these people are angry because they are being inconvenienced. The Sun would tell you they live in fear. If they are in fear, it's because someone told them to be, they are being manipulated. Natives would not hurt these people. The Natives are the victims of violence and the threat of it.

The residents are upset because they bought a home. The businesses are upset because they are losing revenue. And I don't disagree that the whole thing sucks. But why don't they care that there is a genuine land claim that needs to be considered here and that the land was being sold from under the feet of the six nations people? Why don't they care that if the natives hadn't taken this action their claim would have been nullified, much like the land claims of the past? Why don't they care about what's right? Why aren't they concerned about the possibility of people being hurt or killed like in Oka or Ipperwash?

The Toronto Sun is affiliated with Canoe Live's website and there was a balloon at the bottom of the article telling me to voice my opinion online, so I did. I am not sure if my comment is posted yet, but here's the link if you want to go have a say too.

thanks.

take it the bridge now...

...i'm bringin sexy back.

what does it say...? (prison break prison break prison break!!!!)

so I'm studying Sociology and I'm finding it really fascinating. I've started to ask questions about things I never thought so deeply about before. Within the last month I've watched all of Season 1 of Prison Break and I am current up until the episode for this week. I've also caught the first few episodes of a new show called Vanished. One of my favourite shows is also 24 which I have watched since the beginning. And of course Alias. All but the second are extremely popular shows and I think Vanished probably will be. Well anyway my intent here is not to give a review of my favourite shows. I wanted to consider the ethics portrayed in these shows, the morality that underlies all of them and the overarching sense of paranoia which has not been seen since the seventies, which was called an age of paranoia as pertaining to film and television.

First - the paranoia. In both Prison Break and Vanished, the main "baddie" is a pseudo-secret society. Vanished seems to be revealing the Masons as a force for controlling politics and economics and the justice system as well, using any means necessary. Wives are abducted to persuade powerful men (senators, state governors) to behave a certain way. In Prison Break we have The Company setting up patsies to take the fall for murders of powerful people who turn out to not be dead but rather held captive - to maintain hold on yet further powerful individuals. The Company is to blame for the US government being complicit in so much evil in the world for their economic advantage, for Lincoln (Link the Sink) Burrows being incarcerated and sentenced to death for a murder he did not commit, for his ex-wife and son's stepfather being murdered and his son being implicated to keep the secret, for his lawyers (including his ex-girlfriend as well as her fiance) being murdered to keep the secret... and so on and so on. And in Prison Break it becomes rapidly clear that The Company can get to anyone, anytime, anywhere and the will in order to maintain secrecy.

In both Alias and 24 which feature anti-terrorist agencies linked to the US government, there are often "moles" working for the enemy but planted right next to Sydney Bristow or Jack Bauer. And as happens quite often the good guy will be required to knowingly rely on the mole in some life threatening instance. Jack has been in the field with someone he has in custody with his life completely dependent on his "enemy" having his back. In Alias, Sydney re-teamed up with a man who betrayed her and lied to her for six years telling her she was a good guy (CIA counterterrism) but really she was one of the bad guys(SD-6). A sense of not really being able to trust anyone follows our heroes.

And what of our heroes? Prison Break features Michael Scoffield, a brilliant structural engineer with a neurological disorder which prevents him from compartmentalizing the details he sees in the world around him (although he seems to do okay compartmentalizing moral questions, but I'm skipping ahead...) such that he sees patterns in everything and becomes unable to separate details from the Big Picture. Glancing at structural drawings reminds him of the fact that his firm designed the prison his brother has been wrongly incarcerated to, which inspires him to plan a route through the prison pipes and walls, (a la Shawshank Redemption style, only quicker) reading articles about other criminals in that prison quickly transfigure into his mind a way to use their money and resources in order to escape. The state of illinois' governors' daughter being a doctor at the prison sparks a plan to fake diabetes requiring daily insulin injections (and black market supplied insulin blockers) so he has access to the infirmary, a crucial part of his escape route. Every black market artefact he acqires requires him to become involved with more and more criminals. Some victims of circumstance - really good guys deep down that you will root for, some disturbed psychotic animals that you would fear having them on the streets. Michael transcribes the prison blueprints into 200 hours of artistic tattoos all over his body embedding clues and anagrams, and it's visually stunning. The guy is beyond brilliant. He wants to break his brother out of prison and has gone to great lengths plotting to do so. Once in prison, he is almost relentless in his pursuit. There are lines he won't cross. He won't kill anyone. The crime he committed to be incarcerated put not one single person in danger, except himself. But he will exploit the beautiful doctor in the infirmary, who is a recovering addict, even though he is quite in love with her. I like to think he didn't know how vulnerable Sara was, but the boy did his research. It seems doubtful. He conspires with a vicious mobster, he is forced to work with a pedophile murderer, and helps these men to escape the prison with him for the simple reason that he needs to get Lincoln out and they can help.

So that's enough about Prison Break. I didn't mean to spend so much time with it but it's fresh in my mind. I have also thought about Jack Bauer, the hero of 24. Jack has 24 hours to stop a very serious terrorist threat. Generally, he works for CTU (the Counter Terrorist Unit), utilizing other members of the team and all of it's very very very very very very efficient resources. However quite often, Jack is considered a rogue agent. Put up against the clock he must break rules, protocol and disobey orders for the greater good. Jack has killed people. A lot. they were all "bad guys" though, so its okay, right? Jack has had to let good people die in order for the greater good to result. Jack has broken the laws of the Geneva Convention with respect to witness interrogation. But Jack always wins in the end. David Palmer did not get murdered when he was Governor - not on Jack's watch. The terrorist plot never goes down as planned.

Alias is a little different, Sidney Bristow's morality is a lot more clear cut. She gets the job done. She's okay with killing the bad guy, but there is never justification for 'collateral damage'. Alias is actually a variation on the themes of La Femme Nikita... she always accomplishes her mission, and she always looks ridiculously hot doing it. But her heart is constantly being broken, by Michael or her father or some other person she trusts. Her best friend was murdered and doubled (some far-fetched DNA storyline) and so there is a scene where she has to shoot the woman who looks identical to her best friend and been posing as such for months. Quite poignant!

I know, I just have way too much time to think about the tv shows I watch. It may be true but probably not for much longer. but these shows are in my head and they aren't going anywhere - I have to do somehing with them. and I seriously do wonder what it means that our most predominant heroes in TV have so much ambiguity where morals are concerned, and that paranoia is so prevalant again. And just remember - it could be worse, I could have done a discourse on the significance of the gorey CSI/Law & Order type dramas. Just be glad I don't watch that stuff!

thanks for reading, and may I just add... PRISON BREAK PRISON BREAK PRISON BREAK!!!!

what the world weighs

I've been trying to compose this for about a week now.

Here's how it started:

*****
I was waiting for my bus home after work last monday when I pretty much started crying out of nowhere. Or so it would seem, because there's not much wrong with my life. things are okay! I have a great roommate, a funny cat that keeps me perpetually entertained, I love my new apartment, I had a perfect birthday party recently... I have a kinda sucky job that's true but really who cares because in a matter of weeks I'll be attending college full time and truly on my way to making my dreams come true. I have great friends (although I miss them all like crazy because everyone's so busy and my schedule is a mess...). So there I am with an okay life crying with such deep sorrow that it actually hurts physically. And to be completely honest I have not completely recovered.

It's this world, you see. the pain, the suffering, the hate, the isolation, the greed and anger... it's just all too much. I want to help make this world a better place, a nicer place in whatever small "pay it forward" ways that I can and as grand a scale as humanly possible. i feel it's my responsibility, as an individual with certain advantages that I've done nothing to deserve. I am a blessed person, in so many ways but especially in the sense that as often as I have been knocked down and had the crap kicked out of me by the world I've always been able to start over in a better place than I'd ever attained. Like so many of the people in my life I just never give in and believe what forces seem to want me to believe about myself. And I have so many people reminding me of just who I am. But this inner 'strength' is not something I claim credit for and these blessings I have not earned. But it's soooo hard. What can I do? I have no power, no clout. I can sign petitions and pass them on. I can buy wrist bands and install banners on my blog. I can start a career (in 16 months) that will be all about helping people improve the quality of their lives. I can recycle. I can reduce. I can conserve energy and not be driven to consume what the media tells me I should covet, and I can buy local and take transit. I can drink fair trade and organic coffee... the list you know it goes on. But I'm only one and everyday I still see water bottles and pop cans and paper in garbage cans. People still buy SUVs (?!?!?!). And everyday I see Corporate interests given more consideration than basic human necessities. Good people buy products everyday from companies that are exploiting entire nations of the disenfranchised poor. everyday I see the bombings and wars and beautiful cities destroyed. children die and some become monsters robbed of childhood, AIDS is still spreading and killing worldwide. Every person who loves also hates, we all deal angrily with others when we are angry at ourselves. We are silent when our spouse clearly needs the companionship and love we promised at the altar. We judge those who just have the misfortune of a different weakness then our own.

all is vanity. there is nothing new under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 12:13 in the Amplified Bible says: All has been heard; the end of the matter is: Fear God [revere and worship Him, knowing that He is] and keep His commandments, for this is the whole of man [the full, original purpose of his creation, the object of God's providence, the root of character, the foundation of all happiness, the adjustment to all inharmonious circumstances and conditions under the sun] and the whole [duty] for every man.

What does that mean? Does that mean I shouldn't care at all? Just put my head down and keep God's commandments and God will bless me and to hell with anyone else? that doesn't feel right, that's not my God. God clearly values rooted character, individual and collective happiness and adjustments to all inharmonious circumstances under the sun. It is the duty of all men. Jesus Christ bled compassion and love. and he told his disciples that as great as his works were, the works they would do would be greater.

I think I need to find a balance. I need to care and I need to love but I also need to be able to enjoy the blessings that are in my life - my roommate, my cat, my friends, my family, my awesome circle of believers. Then and only then can I withstand what the world weighs.

it's working

Dear Friends,

As the awful civilian death toll rises above 1000 in Lebanon and Israel, people around the world are seeking a place to voice their frustration and concern. Over the last 4 days, 200,000 people from 148 countries have signed the ceasefire petition. At this rate, we could soon be the largest global online petition in history.

The pressure is working. The global outcry over this crisis has pushed the Ambassadors to the UN Security Council to work around the clock to achieve an immediate ceasefire.

The latest word is that the Council may be close to a final vote today or tomorrow, but we've been this close before and negotiations have fallen apart. We need more pressure now to close the deal.

Please forward this email on, spread the word to your friends, family and colleagues, post a link on your blog, bring up the campaign in discussions, and urgently encourage people around you to join this global wave of protest by signing up at the link below:

ceasefirecampaign.org

The pressure is working. Let's ratchet it up.

With hope,

Ricken Patel, Ceasefire Campaign

Ceasefire Campaign Petetion

Dear friends,

Right now a tragedy is unfolding in the Middle East. Thousands of innocent
civilians have been killed or wounded in the bombings in Lebanon, Palestine
and Israel and the death toll is rising every day. If the US, Syria or Iran
get involved, there is a chance of a catastrophic larger war.

UN Secretary General Kofi Annan has called for an immediate ceasefire and
the deployment of international troops to the Israel-Lebanon border, and
been strongly supported by almost every world leader. This is the best
proposal yet to stop the violence, but the US, the UK, and Israel have
refused to accept it.

I have just signed a petition calling on US President Bush, UK Prime
Minister Blair, and Israeli Prime Minister Olmert to support Kofi Annan's
proposal. If millions of people join this call, and we advertise our views
in newspapers in the US, UK, and Israel, we can help pressure these leaders
to stop the fighting. Go to the link below and sign up now!
www.ceasefirecampaign.org
With hope,

random post

why won't blogger let me delete this post??? i can clearly edit it till my heart's content but not delete it outright. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeird.

dreams must NEVER have size limits!!!

I am officially so happy I might throw up! I am so excited I might throw up! Not only am I going back to school in September, full time. I am going to be in he program that was basically designed for me to fulfill all of my dreams. Never again will I allow my dreams to built with size limits. This is what happens when you don't limit... when you're not afraid to ask God for more than you think you can have.

yeah.

interlude: music review?

if tracks on iPods could wear out, pretty much all of the songs on the new dixie chicks cd would be scratching and skipping. this thing is so good... the melodies are actually addictive. I have seriously not listened to anything except The Dixie Chicks The Long Way Around since I picked it up on Sunday. I love The Long Way Around, Everybody Knows, I'm Not Ready to Make Nice, Baby Hold On, Bitter End, Voice Inside My Head... but yah, I am crazy about Lullaby. It almost makes me ache it's so beautiful. Any thoughts? I know my brother has had binges where he's listened to I'm Not Ready to Make Nice 15 times in a row... my dad too. You? Or maybe there's another CD or song or something that has gotten you the same way?

talk to me!

Dear friend,

I just took the Nature Challenge at www.davidsuzuki.org/WOL/Challenge

The David Suzuki Foundation has researched the top 10 ways Canadians can conserve nature. The challenge is to pick three and do them over the next year. That's it!

It's a great way to get involved and really do something tangible to help make our world a better place.

I encourage you to visit The Nature Challenge Website to learn more.

Thank you.


*******
you may have gotten this e-mail from me recently. Or maybe not. Well anyhooooo... I don't think David wants me to tell you the 10 things, I think he wants you to do the research and examine your life and see what you can do. One of the things I want to do is reduce waste at home and out there. So I want to eat take out less - all those containers, wrapping, bags, etc., are just too abundant. Plus I'll be healthier and save money! And when I buy a book or something I don't take a bag from the store if I don't need it. Something else is I want to do is use cloth bags for groceries... And ride my bike to work (although I already ride transit which is pretty good.) My biggest challenge is going to be enforcing the recycling at work, which I have been doing more nazi-ish lately. My most favouritest customer is a guy who works for the government who told us the other day he wants to start ordering all his printing to be on a higher level recycled paper

The thing is that making these changes takes a little work, a little thought, a little planning but the benefits are manifold in health, finances and the natural world around us. And don't even get me started on all of the corporations wasting and destroying precious ecosystems and exploiting cultures... when we make small changes these corporations lose and the destruction can be lessened and maybe stopped in some cases which can improve quality of life for people at risk.

I will have more later... Tom Robbins is seriously wrecking me with 'Even Cowgirls Get the Blues'...

connected by the rhythms

to iPod or not to iPod. that is the question. no, seriously. when i'm out there, walking around or on the bus I have the choice of listening to my iPod or not. this means every CD I own plus all the music I've downloaded plus all my CBC Radio 3 podcasts and even some BBC 4 Documentaries are at my finger tips and anything I could ever want to listen to is as simple as swishing my thumb around the circle some number of times.

without the iPod, I'm a part of it all. small joys reach my heart - the child playing some silly game with mommy, the girl on her lunchbreak stopping to talk to the homeless man beside the hotdog cart, the people at the sandwich shop going out of their way to make my moment in their store sweet... you know the little things. I go with the flow, move with the sidewalk traffic and I feel like I'm really a part of it all. I feel the energy flow as the same sun warms my shoulder as everyone else. It's a natural flow, it's me, it's my rhythm in tune with the people around them and it's possible to feel love and appreciation.

with my iPod and whatever playlist, album, artist or genre I got rollin on shuffle... it's different. that vibe, that rhythm, that sound seems almost to come from the inside... and in a way it does because I chose which wave I would catch. however at the same time as it comes from inside, it also wraps me up and folds me inside. it detaches me from the street and the people roaming along it. I no longer flow as they do, but instead I move at whatever speed the music moves me. I move in and around and through - I slip sideways so that I don't have to change my rhythm.

When I choose to iPod I'm choosing to separate myself from all of the life around me and plug in to this artificial rhythm and force my body to flow to whatever it is i've chosen... the chaos of broken social scene, the aggression of rise against or nine inch nails, the vaguely cheesey longing in solo boy singers,...whatever it is it's not the natural flow that surrounds me. When I plug into my iPod, I think I'm really plugging into myself. my blood is flowing and I choose the music that most closely matches the emotion that results... or does it choose me?

it's a choice indeed. I'm glad I have the iPod because there are times it seems to be the only option. I need to get back into my head and move around at it's determined pace and sometimes nothing matches that pace as well as Greenday's Jesus of Suburbia... And then I'm glad also for the moments when I plug into the sidewalk and dance to same the rhythm as all the other whose feet share it with me.

someone left a marker at this page...why? this passage here...could it be?

What I'm Reading: Even Cowboys Get the Blues by Tom Robbins. As I turn the page on page 72 I find a little slip of paper from the corner of a sheet of letterhead for the company my recent ex-roommate works... and I think 'that's weird... Steve didn't finish this book or som'n? this is such a bad bookmark..." and then I read this paragraph on page 73 and it dawns on me that just maybe someone wanted to remember this. Steve? Dan? Someone else?

"...relationships seem to lead only to marriage, and for most dumb brainwashed women marriage is the climactic experience. For men, marriage is a matter of efficient logistics: the male gets his food, bed, laundry, TV, pussy, offspring and creature comforts all under one roof, where he doesn't have to dissipate his psychic energy thinking about them too much---then he is free to go out and fight the battles of life, which is what existence is all about. But for a woman, marriage is surrender. Marriage is when a girl gives up the fight, walks off the battlefield and from then on leaves the truly interesting and significant action to her husband, who has bargained to 'take care' of her. What a sad bum deal. Women live longer than men because they really haven't been living. Better blue-in-the-face dead of a heart attack at fifty than a healthy seventy-year-old widow who hasn't had a piece of life's action since girlhood. Shit O goodness, how I do go on."

shudder...

eta... not that anyone believes that marriage IS always like this or even that it has to be. but in all honesty I think I have never rushed to be married and that I ran from the one time I came even remotely close is that this sort of idea has always been my fear. Because this is definitely not an impossible or unrealistic picture of what it can become.

I know that there are people who have - or will have - marriages that are nothing like this, that are or will be what marriage can and should be. And I know that if I do decide to get married someday it will be nothing like that above picture. Partnership. Love. Respect. In the trenches fighting the battle together. Interesting and significant life together ...and that's what it's all about!

an article from political affairs dot net and People's Voice

I just like the whole article and couldn't say it any better. this is something that's really been on my mind since it started.

THE SIX NATIONS blockade at Caledonia has outlasted the 1990 Oka struggle to become the longest First Nations blockade in Canada's history. At times there has been a testy reaction by a very small minority of white extremists, but on the Native side there has been a very firm resolve for disciplined and peaceful pressure on government to win negotiation and solution.

This land was registered as under dispute and apparently on the federal government's calendar for a hearing sometime in the next 100 to 150 years, going on past practice. This disgraceful situation probably would have continued if the federal government had not added insult to injury by selling the disputed land to a private developer. That's a decision without a hearing - so much for the process of law!

Knowing that in a few days their land would be lost forever, the people of the Six Nations played their last card, blockading the land, and later Caledonia's main street (part of the disputed land) and the Highway Six by-pass around the town in response to an early morning raid by the Ontario Provincial Police.

The response of the population in southern Ontario has been quite calm and there is a growing core of support for the Native people. The weekly counter-protests are organized by a minority of hotheads with racist tendencies who scream for law and order, yet are determined to bypass legal negotiations and bully the Six Nations into street submission. This will not happen.

By the Victoria Day weekend, considerable progress had been made, although unfortunately this was not officially reported by the government. This progress included an apparent commitment to return land that houses a defunct and vacant Correctional Facility, originally taken illegally from Six Nations, after an environmental study to establish the condition of the land. It was widely rumoured that there would be a moratorium on the disputed Douglas Creek land and a third party archeological study for graves of Native people.

This led to a goodwill offer by the Six Nations to open Argylle Street. But on Friday evening, May 19, the anti-protests became more aggressive. When the Six Nations people started to dismantle their barricades on Monday, May 22, the rednecks could not stand the prospect of peaceful resolution without retribution. The baseball-bat armed mob put up their own barricade and the situation degenerated, complete with physical engagements. The Native people threw up a new defensive barricade, dug up the road and prepared to defend themselves. A state of emergency was declared in Caledonia, and people worried that the Canadian Army would be called in.

Some facts must be stated for the record. During this protest no Native person has attacked a resident of Caledonia even when provoked with racist slurs. When the citizens of Caledonia had a rally at the Fair Grounds, the Native people applauded their right to congregate peacefully. A young Six Nations man was shot just under the eye with a pellet gun; the next day a young intruder was captured within their camp driving erratically and in possession of a pellet gun and military equipment, including a flack jacket. He was handed over unharmed to the OPP. Violence and the threat of violence have only come from the anti-native minority.

There is a problem in Ontario. It might be convenient to look at every phenomenon in isolation and to pretend awe, ignorance and wonder when an oppressed people stand courageously on their own behalf. If ignorance is bliss, there are a lot of happy people in government here and they are trying to spread it around.

But there is a history, with its twists and turns, and also with a common thread. Remember the murder of Dudley George at Ipperwash by the OPP? Remember the lies and subterfuge to protect a red-neck premier and his cabinet cabal? Remember the OPP riot squad attack on OPSEU members right in front of the Ontario legislature? How about the legions of missing Native women who don't get media attention? How about water you can't drink? How about mercury poisoning? Where the hell is the conscience of the Canadian State? When the police become spectators, as they were when racists stoned Native people at Kahnesetake in 1990, they are supporting the attackers, carrying out state policy.

The cancer of right-wing, imperialist and racist thinking explodes around the Native people. Their struggle is a beacon that lights up the political environment and exposes the danger facing all of us. Will the social justice movement face similar violence and retribution when it escalates the very issues the Native people are dealing with now? The issues of water, environment, medicine, living space, the right to exist purely as a condition of birth and being?

I think the Native people are politically more advanced in many ways because they are forced to deal with these problems, not hide from them. As a student of history, a trade-unionist and a Hamilton worker, I am not surprised by the calm and peaceful determination of the Six Nations people. Throughout history, struggle develops its own dignity, its own unity. There is nobility in standing your ground, in fighting for justice. That's why Robin Hood is a folk hero and Hitler is not.

You put your left foot in,
you take your left foot out
you put your left foot in then you shake it all about...
do the hokey pokey and ya turn yourself around
that's what it's all about!

You put your right foot in,
you take your right foot out
you put your right foot in then you shake it all about...
do the hokey pokey and ya turn yourself around
that's what it's all about!

You put your big butt in,
you take your big butt out
you put your big butt in then you shake it all about...
do the hokey pokey and ya turn yourself around
(big finish, with jazz hands!)
that's what it's all about!

When was the last time you did the hokey pokey? believe it or not, I did the hokey pokey 2 weeks ago! the reason I'm only telling you now is because I could not figure out how to tell you the story of the boy who decided he wanted to be completely silly and wonderful and convince me it would be the perfect way to release some of the pressure we were both feeling. I still don't know. Because he's not exactly a friend, but he's definitely more than just a business contact. He's someone who has impressed me and someone I want to know... someone who is in touch with spiritual truths that the average person doesn't think about (who else would know exactly how perfect a child's dancing game would put us in touch with the perspective we needed that evening?)... he's just someone... you know.

did i tell you...

I know it's been a while so I'm just letting you know that I posted again at my story blog so go check it out if you're so inclined.

thanks.

you did what???

I applied for College.

phil, naomi and me playing with words at starbucks

If you go into a Starbucks right now, you'll see yellow and green coloured sleeves and little cue cards each with a spelling bee word and definition. I know, because after work today I went into a Starbucks with two friends, Phil and Naomi. We were hanging out talking and somehow or other ended up writing poems on these cards, some of them based on the word on the card, some not. I told phil and naomi that I would publish them on my blog, so here I am doing just that.

Appoggiatura: noun - an embellishing note, usually one step above or below the note it precedes.

Singing For Naomi
pretty nail polish,
this appoggiatura
harmonizing your heart
to the world around you
opening to new experiences
sharing new ways
to show your dreams

by Kristin

Antipyretic: adjective - preventing, removing, or allaying fever

it so synthetic
why Naomi is so pathetic
yet energic

by Phil

My mind is wandering
wondering why Phil
keeps himself fondling
Kristin is giggling
her deep thoughts sinking
and I am wondering,
wandering away.

by Naomi

Succedaneum: noun - a substitute

there is no succedaneum
for you in my life,
my love,
my love is not random

by Kristin

Purple Heart Award
my purple heart is bleeding
the pain has been repeating
Nobody sees what sits on my sleeve
I keep on dreaming on
you wouldn't believe
how much I strive to please
the spikey haired manager named Steve

also by Kristin


Autochthonous: adjective - originating where found; indigenous

fly, fly little bird
into the sky
with your coat so blue and pink
like dye
watch out there's a window
splat!
goodbye...
you're gonna die like your friends.
This is a dark poem.

by Phil

Argillaceous: adjective - containing, made of, or resembling clay

If life were argillaceous,
And I could be more gracious,
Every moment would be precious
but my path seems like someone else's template
I need Phil to teach me Illustrator
so I need not be resigned
and can make life by my design.

by Kristin

Brunneous: adjective - having a dark brown colour

Phil, my brunneous friend,
your weird ways are continuous
You caw and gallop like a frivolous dude
You make people laugh
and fume in an ingenious way
My brunneous friend
you Are a white mocha frappuccino.

by Naomi

Ambidextrous: adjective - able to use both hands with equal facility, unusually skillful; adroit.

the wind is blowing
I'm wearing a kilt
uh oh I am suddenly exposed
the cackling of laughing
all around
and then an awe as everyone is taken aback
by the glorious sight of my third leg.

by Phil

you have so much potential

a stream of consciousness that right now I can't predict where it'll go and I'm not even sure if the grammar will be good but I don't care. life is not always good and sometimes it even feels bad more often than not. what happens when you are walking down the street thinking of this friend who is achieving their dreams and thinking when am I going to go for it and then all of a sudden you realize you don't even feel them. Like they are not fueling me right now and I can't remember the last time they were a part of my day to day. And when that happens you know, you aren't doing anything to make them happen and really aren't getting closer and let's face it they are getting farther and farther away. the laws of thermodynamics apply to my life...
1. objects in motion tend to stay in motion, objects at rest tend to stay at rest
2. a system will tend to decay unless extra energy from an outside source is introduced.

it stands to reason that the more a system decays the more energy will be required to bring it back to order, and not only order but to a state of growing. the longer you stay at rest the more your life (mind, dreams, growth) will tend to decay. I know it's my fault, I'm the one who decided to rest, to introduce the sedatives into my mind but fuck I was tired. I'm tired and getting more tired. I hate that the problems I have now are the same as last year and the year before even though I was continually getting better and now it seems worse than ever. I hate that I am afraid to take that step to try, to really actually honest to goodness try and make the next step to make my life better. What if I fail? If I'm really actually honest to goodness just not good enough? Deep down I know it's not true that I'm smart and capable and persistent and good at coming up with solutions that make things better for myself and others, but deeper down, if I don't try I can't fail and prove myself wrong. Fuck what a fucking stupid mess. If I started I would not give up and I would get there and the sky would be the limit. When i lost my job last year I thought it was going to be the beginning of some great things for me but here I just saddled myself with a job that exhausts me and steals my energy and makes me kind of sad.

but I can't blame the job, it's totally my fault. I take responsibility for the life I live, the thoughts I think are what built it. One on top of the previous... having the power to build me up or tear me down, and even the words that others speak about me I'm the one who chooses to let those words define me for good or ill. these are just some of the things I've been thinking about lately. I feel like I am starting to come around again to living and feeling optimistic and reviving my dreams and being 'myself' again and making decisions and really believing that I can make things happen. But I need to organize my thoughts and this is the best way for me to do that and it's possible that my posting - if i do post - may not be all that uplifting so I'm sorry, I guess, but not really because this is my blog not yours. but the waters are murky, I'm struggling to see my way through. that's life, not always a walk through a meticulously manicured garden sometimes it's drowning or almost drowning and fighting for every breath. that's just how it is.

How to make an impression

We met only briefly and spoke only a few times about a project we were collaborating indirectly on. And three weeks later I have not even spoke to him again. But he has stayed with me. On the phone he spoke like an old friend. He bought me a coffee as though he was paying me back for a huge favour I was doing even though it was only my job. When face to face his dark oval shaped eyes sparkled with undeserved affection. In his cologne the scent of patchouli oil mixed with tobacco flower to make me a little drunk. When the opportunity arose to, he shared with me happy memories of adventures... and I remember craving adventure inspired by the faraway gaze at that moment. He shared burdens, joyfully, that could have rightfully been mine...

He was open in a way that I used to aspire to in my life... that has been missing. When did I start building walls to replace the ones I worked so hard to tear down? how did I not notice? well, they just have to go. I want to share joy with people like that, like I used to, so easily, without fear. I want everyone I meet to feel like my friend.

How you make an impression, is, you be impressive. be someone people will still be thinking about weeks later, longing for the chance to see you and commune with you. open up to people and share. seek first to understand, then to be understood. And it doesn't hurt if you smell good.

a repost of the poem that I wrote on...

St Patrick's Day @ my favourite Starbuck's

here I am, thinking
Wouldn't it be nice to write a poem?
wondering when...
if I'll see him tonight.
oh, Big Daddy,
your sweet little thing is waiting for you
been waiting,
no hating.
just waiting...
not for 'the one'
but Someone
who could grab my heart and say
look how we're the same.
Don't play me, beautiful
you can ask me anything,
I'll never lie to you
For someone I can believe!
pushing me, so very gentle
in forging this bond
Someone who knows my logic is a front
that I'm hiding my inner neurotic
as if it's a crime.
But this isn't a poem,
it hardly even rhymes!
Is the rhythm only in my imagination?
Are we only pretending to dance?
And do time and circumstance
trump the power of this almost romance
the words pour out of my heart
only now they rhyme.
Big daddy... when did that start?

***

because in many ways I'm still feeling the same as I did that day

Destiny

I read this on a motivational poster recently, please forgive me if you know it and think I'm a dweeb for quoting it but I like it.

Watch your words,
they become your thoughts.

Watch your thoughts,
they become your actions

Watch your actions,
they become your habits.

Watch your habits,
they become your character.

Watch your character,
it will be your destiny.


later.

it's a radical thought, to be sure, nevertheless...

I have determined that the most Disciplined people are not necessarily experiencing any personal growth and development.