Sunday, April 30, 2006

did i tell you...

I know it's been a while so I'm just letting you know that I posted again at my story blog so go check it out if you're so inclined.

thanks.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

you did what???

I applied for College.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

phil, naomi and me playing with words at starbucks

If you go into a Starbucks right now, you'll see yellow and green coloured sleeves and little cue cards each with a spelling bee word and definition. I know, because after work today I went into a Starbucks with two friends, Phil and Naomi. We were hanging out talking and somehow or other ended up writing poems on these cards, some of them based on the word on the card, some not. I told phil and naomi that I would publish them on my blog, so here I am doing just that.

Appoggiatura: noun - an embellishing note, usually one step above or below the note it precedes.

Singing For Naomi
pretty nail polish,
this appoggiatura
harmonizing your heart
to the world around you
opening to new experiences
sharing new ways
to show your dreams

by Kristin

Antipyretic: adjective - preventing, removing, or allaying fever

it so synthetic
why Naomi is so pathetic
yet energic

by Phil

My mind is wandering
wondering why Phil
keeps himself fondling
Kristin is giggling
her deep thoughts sinking
and I am wondering,
wandering away.

by Naomi

Succedaneum: noun - a substitute

there is no succedaneum
for you in my life,
my love,
my love is not random

by Kristin

Purple Heart Award
my purple heart is bleeding
the pain has been repeating
Nobody sees what sits on my sleeve
I keep on dreaming on
you wouldn't believe
how much I strive to please
the spikey haired manager named Steve

also by Kristin


Autochthonous: adjective - originating where found; indigenous

fly, fly little bird
into the sky
with your coat so blue and pink
like dye
watch out there's a window
splat!
goodbye...
you're gonna die like your friends.
This is a dark poem.

by Phil

Argillaceous: adjective - containing, made of, or resembling clay

If life were argillaceous,
And I could be more gracious,
Every moment would be precious
but my path seems like someone else's template
I need Phil to teach me Illustrator
so I need not be resigned
and can make life by my design.

by Kristin

Brunneous: adjective - having a dark brown colour

Phil, my brunneous friend,
your weird ways are continuous
You caw and gallop like a frivolous dude
You make people laugh
and fume in an ingenious way
My brunneous friend
you Are a white mocha frappuccino.

by Naomi

Ambidextrous: adjective - able to use both hands with equal facility, unusually skillful; adroit.

the wind is blowing
I'm wearing a kilt
uh oh I am suddenly exposed
the cackling of laughing
all around
and then an awe as everyone is taken aback
by the glorious sight of my third leg.

by Phil

Saturday, April 01, 2006

you have so much potential

a stream of consciousness that right now I can't predict where it'll go and I'm not even sure if the grammar will be good but I don't care. life is not always good and sometimes it even feels bad more often than not. what happens when you are walking down the street thinking of this friend who is achieving their dreams and thinking when am I going to go for it and then all of a sudden you realize you don't even feel them. Like they are not fueling me right now and I can't remember the last time they were a part of my day to day. And when that happens you know, you aren't doing anything to make them happen and really aren't getting closer and let's face it they are getting farther and farther away. the laws of thermodynamics apply to my life...
1. objects in motion tend to stay in motion, objects at rest tend to stay at rest
2. a system will tend to decay unless extra energy from an outside source is introduced.

it stands to reason that the more a system decays the more energy will be required to bring it back to order, and not only order but to a state of growing. the longer you stay at rest the more your life (mind, dreams, growth) will tend to decay. I know it's my fault, I'm the one who decided to rest, to introduce the sedatives into my mind but fuck I was tired. I'm tired and getting more tired. I hate that the problems I have now are the same as last year and the year before even though I was continually getting better and now it seems worse than ever. I hate that I am afraid to take that step to try, to really actually honest to goodness try and make the next step to make my life better. What if I fail? If I'm really actually honest to goodness just not good enough? Deep down I know it's not true that I'm smart and capable and persistent and good at coming up with solutions that make things better for myself and others, but deeper down, if I don't try I can't fail and prove myself wrong. Fuck what a fucking stupid mess. If I started I would not give up and I would get there and the sky would be the limit. When i lost my job last year I thought it was going to be the beginning of some great things for me but here I just saddled myself with a job that exhausts me and steals my energy and makes me kind of sad.

but I can't blame the job, it's totally my fault. I take responsibility for the life I live, the thoughts I think are what built it. One on top of the previous... having the power to build me up or tear me down, and even the words that others speak about me I'm the one who chooses to let those words define me for good or ill. these are just some of the things I've been thinking about lately. I feel like I am starting to come around again to living and feeling optimistic and reviving my dreams and being 'myself' again and making decisions and really believing that I can make things happen. But I need to organize my thoughts and this is the best way for me to do that and it's possible that my posting - if i do post - may not be all that uplifting so I'm sorry, I guess, but not really because this is my blog not yours. but the waters are murky, I'm struggling to see my way through. that's life, not always a walk through a meticulously manicured garden sometimes it's drowning or almost drowning and fighting for every breath. that's just how it is.