Tuesday, November 28, 2006

this is for diogo

Motho ke motho ka Batho

this is Bantu (or some related tongue) for "a person is a person because of other people". In Communalistic societies, for instance Bantu, humans are social beings and the self is not emphasized. The community is important. What's good for society is good for the people in it. We live in an Liberalistic or Individualistic society where people all believe that happiness comes through self actualization. Where the community is becoming less and less a real thing. To be YOU and to make yourself happy is all that we have time for. The Nguni and Bantu word Ntu, meaning nothing, is derived from the word Muntu (person). This is not to say that a person is nothing, just empty and soulless, not at all. It means that a person is not a thing. The essence of a person cannot be captured in a definition as an object... because a person is a subject. The essence of a person is fluid, always evolving, thinking and feeling, moving through time and space as time and space move through them. Every thought or feeling makes you a new reality. Your experiences build you. The people you love and who love you build you.

So when a person decides he has a weakness, and wants to overcome it so that the quality of his life might be improved, he can evolve and there is no fear of losing the thing that makes him him. Because there is no thing that makes him him. He just is and does and goes and feels and sees and believes and grows.


If anyone is interested, I found this dissertation written by a scholar at the University of Pretoria. About the difference between the two types of societies. But this was actually all inspired by Ed and Sociology class today.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Friday, November 24, 2006

streaming consciousness

So this will be a post where I just type and type to sort of think about all of the things going on in my busy little brain and roll it out before me flat so I can just check up on some things. What follows will likely be an edited version of the original... something I almost never do.

In this mind of Kristin there are layers of thought, layers of consciousness, layers of reality... and they are piled on top of one another, pieces covering others, obscuring and making things difficult to process properly. All of these unexamined and uninspected layers are still affecting my behaviour though, my actions, feelings and their antecedent thoughts... and I feel like it doesn't make sense. I'm contradicting myself. I'm not even sure how I really feel. Am I happy? Or am I sad? Is there some anger weaving itself through? Is there loneliness, or is that longing?

The only thing I truly understand is love. My love for my friends is uncomplicated. Gratitude cannot be exaggerated. Deepened understanding of people I've only partly known, deeper respect for people who have always deserved it but probably don't know how much, deeper admiration of my friends and all their beautiful qualities and the richness they add to my life. If you're reading this thinking that sounds like you, it is. If you're reading this hoping I think of you this way, I do.

Adding to the confusion are all these separate streams of discussion, which are all fun and interesting and I am learning a lot, I just find myself debating and 'arguing' which I actually I don't like. Laugh, chuckle, snort on that if you want, if you don't believe me. But it's true. I will (as many of you will attest) debate or argue until I pass out if I feel like I must, but it's not fun for me. There are many other ways of discussion I find more conducive to concensus and/or understanding and I much prefer a calmer dialogue or (poly?)logue (gosh, that's so not a word but I think you know what I mean). when I argue my blood rises and my vessels constrict and my brain doesn't function the way I like it to. I tend to feel defensive... fight or flight becomes my only guttural dilemma.

So I'm contradicting myself. I'm saying things that aren't strictly true, although they're not lies because I'm just not even thinking right. I'm lowering my level of decision processing, I'm convincing myself that ideas I detest are acceptable, feelings that surprise me are swept under rugs; I'm avoiding. I'm painfully aware of all the work sorting through this mess takes, the emotional toll of the consequences I've racked up... and I'm just 'goin where the wind takes me' cause it's easier.

My friends, I need you. I need the inspiration you never fail to provide. I need the love you never refuse. That being said, that 'comments' button is not an invitation to advice. This post is me being honest with myself. Advice is not necessarily asked for but phone and e-mail or at a coffee house would be the preferred venues.

quoting you quoting me

below is an excerpt from a letter I wrote jacqueline when she moved to vancouver.

I know how scary it can be to change your life in such a big fell swoop. But if there's anyone strong enough to weather it and come out on top, it's you. You deserve to find more happiness than you can even imagine and you should pursue that more intensely than you've pursued anything ever before...

...Our relationship was always more complicated than I wanted it to be. I regret that you probably never knew how much I wished for us to be friends. I will not speak to blame here, only to all the miscommunication and the wall(s) between us. I regret it all. I've learned from it though and I will never allow it to happen again. People will not question (or doubt) how I feel about them. I guess the more complications there are, the harder it is to reach out to a person and let them know how you feel. Like, the more important it is, the more you fear a rejection and the more your fearful brain screams at you to NOT REACH OUT, that often you don't hear the opportunity, sometimes the last one, TO REACH OUT. Yes. Live and learn is right!


what can I say, but you got me. I made that promise to myself just as much as to you. jac posted this to her LJ today, as I knew she would.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

so it's that time again...

I feel it in me, bubbling up wordlessly, the rhythm of a poem that must be allowed to roam the sound waves of the voices that will read it.

so many things in my life right now seem to be just beneath the surface trying to be born.

the question is how to tap the reserves without an inappropriate mixing of metaphors.

this is me...

Jac and I were reminiscing and found this post on her livejournal. I always loved hearing this, and sometimes I need to be reminded that this is me.

Magical Journey
KJ:

Who are you? How do I explain? You’re powerful, conscious, open. Someone I worked with once, true, a colleague but we never really spoke. You reached out, saw our similarities, our strength, support. I ran the other way, didn’t like you for no reason at all. No reason except fear, fear of the spirit you possessed, the courage to love openly, gain strength from sharing your heart. And now here we are, miles apart and our voices unite, provide encouragement as we journey through our twisting and turning alleys. Around every dark corner a new surprise. Our roads converged as we said goodbye. You’re the spark behind my voice, igniting all the things I’ve held in too long. My echo through the distance, keeping him real in my mind, reminding me of what I’ve discovered deep inside. He awakened the sleeping demons deep within only to prove that devils truly are angels in disguise. He showed me the way and you hold my hand when it gets tough to breathe. My feelings scatter, a rollercoaster of emotion but you bring reason as the words purge forth from my fingers. So how then do I explain you in a brief exchange when the words fail to come? I can’t hide you, won’t. You’re up front and center. Yet when asked, I can only spit out- a girl from back home who I worked with once. So unsatisfactory. The simplicity nothing compared to your magic.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Did I Tell You...?

So some people have been kind enough to remind me that I haven't written anything new on "my story blog" for a while. now I have. and it's not a bull**** post like the last one.

I was talking to Dan recently and that reminded me that if you don't write everyday, you're not really working on your story. Right now I'm just keeping it alive... like life support.

world premiere screening of Confusions of an Unmarried Couple


Substance Productions, aka the Butler Brothers are screening their 3rd film, Confusions of an unmarried couple, for the first time ever.

Sunday, November 26th, 6:30PM
INNIS TOWN HALL THEATRE
2 Sussex Ave., Toronto, ON.
Admission: FREE

to view the trailer for this film, go to the substance productions myspace site (or click here) to see a trailer for confusions of an unmarried couple

to read a review for confusions of an unmarried couple click here!

I'll see you there!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

french bugs

next blog button took me to this blog with pictures of insects and cool stuff that i didn't want to forget.

Friday, November 17, 2006

not born to shop part 2

so I was good. I bought exactly what I needed, what I wanted at a good price. resisted h&m, zara, ae and the gap with relative ease. supported jamie as he bought shoes, a shirt and a scarf. I didn't even buy food in the food court. I'm in training for buy nothing day.

we had group presentations today in the civil studies class - my group did a report on the toronto public spaces committee, james' group covered the ontario coalition against poverty. one of the ocap guys made a really great point - generally people spend about $100 - $200 a week on themselves, just on things like coffee and food. ya know, spending cash. there is a supplement for registered homeless people of $27 a week. so, not that I think they should get more or less, it's just an interesting way to look at things.

what about this: buy nothing christmas!!! I've already told people to not expect too much from this starving student, but this appeals to me because it takes the commercialism out of the holidays. I can't imagine that the original intent of exchanging gifts was to put money in the pockets of the corporations.

coming soon to a blog near you...

an ode to el chupacabra is in the works. see also jacobs' blog for a recent post emitting love for chupy.

not born to shop...

Did you know that November 24th is buy nothing day?? According to adbusters, the point of life is not to consume consume consume until you're happy. What? Really?

okay, yes I'm being sarcastic. stuff doesn't make you happy. the more stuff you have, the more stuff you want. it is the vicious-est of circles.

no thought provoking essay on this topic this morning, I have to meet my buds at Gabby's and have lunch before I go shopping at the Eaton's Centre with James, who has his mother's credit card to buy his birthday present(s). I just really need a new pair of shoes!!! yes, this would be an example of irony. (actually my shoes have holes in them so this is a purchase of necessity. I will try to avoid the sales racks at the gap, h&m, zara, ae, etc.,).

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

like, oh my god... (the valley girl post)

I'm sooooo tired. like, for real.

seriously, though. I have, like, all of these assignments, most of which are group projects, and no energy. Plus I love it when the other members of your group don't even bother to like show up for the meeting 2 days before the presentation to put it all together and make sure it's all good. totally, props to Valya, the only other member to show up. and did anyone call to let me know they weren't coming??? um, no I don't think so. Like, as if I really need this, ya know???

I just wanna sleep for like a week and I totally can't even do that!!!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

to all you bible talk types...

just to let you know i posted some stuff on the bible talk blog (yes, it still exists!) and prettied it up a bit.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

thank you monty, thank you el chupacabra...

thanks to my good friend el chupacabra, and his friend Monty, I actually had the opportunity to meet the mayor of Toronto, David Miller this evening at The Political Party at the Revival on College Street. That was quite the thing for me. I've always really liked Miller's stand, his vision, and his methods. before tonight I was about 99% sure of who I will be voting for on the 13th of November. After tonight, all uncertainty is gone. Pitfield has no vision, she wants to "take the city in a whole new direction," and she's just not as classy. During her time on stage, she took some really cheap shots at him which I thought were pretty offensive. And when Miller came up to the podium, he did not say one word about her. I didn't hear him talk about 'his opponent' once. And you know, back to that, I don't like the direction she wants to take the city in, for the most part. I agree with her on points but I do not agree with some of her proposed methods.

And I like when Miller talks about Toronto. What a great city it is, and how much potential it has. How we have a lot of work to do but if we come together we can make some great things happen. Pitfield says things about wanting to make Toronto a city she can be proud of. are you kidding me??? this city is freakin awesome, there are days when I seriously fall in love all over again like it was the first time. But nobody is perfect, and miller is right. people need to understand that this is their city, and that when people get involved at the grassroots level, the government can do so much more. (that was when we were chatting all intimate like) Case Ootes would not have been able to prevent so much of the Bike Plan coming into fruition if more people had come together and spoken up.

you may have seen me on CityTV tonight... I just remembered that as I was having my chat with dave, the cameras came on. when the light shone from behind me I almost passed out, completely lost my train of thought and stumbled on my words. do you think he noticed?