Have you really left me behind?

this post is really for only one person. who, if she ever comes here will know it's for her.

I think about you every day. No kidding. the obvious: when I go to Just Breathe and you're conspicuously absent from the daily discussions and other fun stuff going on, I wonder if you ever lurk. And I bet you read my posts and it makes you so mad. How dare life go on for her without me! I know, I feel the same. Except I see no evidence of you... at any of the old haunts. stomping grounds. when i see the mugs you bought me with the M&M's on them, when I listen to my Alicia Keys CD, when I watch Soap Operas or anything remotely angsty. Whenever I watch the National or talk about politics. (I can't even bring my self to watch the BBC News)
the not so obvious: whenever I think about thinking, or think about things that most people wouldn't understand. you would understand. if I see 2 rocking chairs. when I want someone to be able to look at my face or hear the inflection in my voice and not only know what i'm thinking, but know How I Feel about thinking what I'm thinking. No one does. Even "Steve" sometimes has no idea why I'm blathering on about whatever I'm blathering on about. though he tries.
When I have a new crush (not that it happens all that often...) I need to be able to talk about the way his face changed so subtly when he looked at me last night, or when he said that certain word that i love ("...the bain of my existence...") or just why he is The One I'll never get over. (I still haven't...over any of them! Even the first one! You knew that.) Everyone else just laughs about my crushiness, say that I'm so funny. They don't understand why I connect with guys Like That and that it's one of the things that make me interesting. It adds to me as a person. There's always something about him that I really admire and I want to look deeper at it. Each one of these things makes me who I am.

okay. 15 years of friendship down the drain. this is a really hard thing to write about. I don't know how to end this muhfoh. dude, I hope you see this.