april 7th at a Starbucks that's decidedly growing on me...
that's a dam good latte. and I told him so. But I didn't meekly approach him, twirling my hair and weaving from side to side with the posture of an eight year old. I said, "hey you, that was a fuckin awesome latte. thanks."
Not before the following epiphany, though:
When did i become so "small" of voice? So quiet and want to be unassuming? Why is it important that I make everyone's day "one smile brighter?" not that it's a bad thing, but is it for them, or for me? Is this about being a people pleaser? maybe it's not a big deal, not reflecting some personal insecurity. But in my belly it feels like maybe it is. Complete strangers who won't ever see me again have to think "what a nice girl..." I may be a complete doormat loser, but shit, I'm nice. When the fuck did that happen? Who knew what a neurotic freakazoid I really am? When did we decide "nice" is our defining feature? Bullshit! I can be a fucking bitch, I can be (albeit currently celibate, nevertheless) a complete sex-fiend slutbag, and I like being a loudmouthed opinionated shit disturber. I'm obnoxious and I'm funny. In fact, the louder and more obscene, the funnier I am. So where the fuck did my voice go? I didn't lose my ability to use words to express myself, I just stopped actually expressing who I am. I lost my voice. I am not quiet. Do you know that there are people meeting me recently who think I'm fucking quiet! What? A huge "fuck all o'y'all motherfuckers" to the people who saw me change into this mouse and let it happen! dudes! what the hell?
Say it. It fucking doesn't matter if every stupid person I meet thinks I'm sweet as pie. I don't mind being sweet as pie - as long as it's rhubarb pie. that pie has bite. I may not be eating myself alive with anger and fear and self-hatred (I don't miss that!) but that doesn't mean I can't have some attitude. I'm going to give up my ridiculous obsession with making sure everything I say and every reaction I have and everything I feel is perfect and making sure everyone know how perfect I am. I'm fucking not. A perfect person wouldn't swear this much, I'm quite sure. Yesterday I had an arguement with a coworker. He got defensive when I called him on some shit and tried to deflect blame. I was grumpy from tired and so I didn't control my words quite as much I normally would do. I argued back. A lot. It went on for almost 10 minutes. Fuck. It felt so good. And then I felt bad because I'd misbehaved. I don't feel bad anymore. I never apologized and I won't cause I wasn't wrong. He knows now not to try to blame me for his shit. I ain't a doormat. Hell no. When I told Dave about it, he was positively indignant on my behalf, which is sweet, but just shows me he has no idea who I am. That's okay. He wants to, and that's the important part. I just have to make sure it's really me he gets to know!
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3 comments:
Dude I will have a comment later.. on the main point of this I mean. Hell why not say something now.. Kristin: I remember when you wanted to stop swearing so much etc.. not a bad goal or weird or anything. You and I still had our "name" game (slutbag..haha) and you were still 'you' so it was ok.. but sure you still have to be Kristin.. otherwise you are this cookiecutter blah 'nice' chick. Oh, she's nice. I mean nice can be some peoples thing.. it just exudes off them so much they attract everyone mentally etc.. ahem.. some people have that but it is like 'extra bright' niceness. Everything else should reflect you. An ambassador for someone? But still not THAT person.
Dave is back?
so you're saying it's not so bad that I'm nice. that's what kristy said too. oh so I'm just a freak? cool. write more later.
p.s. I ain't really mad at anyone. I just really wanted to say "fuck all o'y'all mofos" because I haven't in such a very long time used that phrase. it used to be a mantra or som'n between ken and I. made me feel powerful. I was revisiting my roots!
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