All the things my friends won' t let me say

Sorry guys, but enough is enough. I can't fake it anymore. I'm so tired of editing myself because of my readership, why bother having a blog if I'm not going to be honest.

I'm sad. I'm overwhelmed. I feel lost, exhausted, defeated. {Tomorrow, I'll feel different, I'm sure. I'll figure out a way to think about everything so it's okay and I'll feel like I have the energy to take it on soon enough. But right now, like it or not, life is harder than I can take.} My life is nowhere near what it was supposed to be. And worse, it shows no prospect of getting much closer to my vision any time soon. I'm an underpaid, overworked Customer Service Representative in an industry that bores me to tears. I always thought I'd be "somebody" but I'm really quite a nobody. And recently, while carrying my Adbusters with me on the bus in my Gap bag, while drinking my Starbucks Latte, I came to the horrifying realization that I am a Brand Whore. I spend more time watching TV than I do reading, doing my research on the web, taking care of business, listening to music, and most everything in my life that I actually value. I'm feeling overweight and unattractive, but God forbid I actually express that feeling before I'm beaten into submission by well meaning pals who tell me I shouldn't feel that way. Yeah, I shouldn't feel this way but I do. I'm such a spoiled brat. really someone should just put me out of my misery. and the piece de resistance a la my biological clock ticking...I'm single with very little hope of finding my prince charming any time soon. I want to be a mommy and a wife but I'm still someone's roommate. not that being someone's roommate isn't fantastic, I love it. And most of the time I'm not in a rush to change the situation, but the problem is I'm really feeling hopeless on this whole marriage thing, if I'm going to put it bluntly. If It felt like this chapter was going to come to a close at a reasonable and predetermined time and roll naturally into the next one I'd be happy to continue on as is for, like another year or two even. But it's no longer looking like that's the way it's going to play out. It's not promising, I guess is what I mean.

I'm honestly starting to think that what's required is something drastic. Like a move to a new place where I have to start over again might be in order. Maybe a city where the cost of living is significantly lower so I can really save up for school or to start my business. Some kind of really swift kick in my ass is required. To be honest I don't think I need to move for that. I think I got that today.

alright, I guess I've bitched and complained long enough. go ahead, kick my ass for being negative. I can take it, it's just what you do. I was practically begging for it anyway.