breathing in the moment

It's funny as I look back on old posts and realize that I don't feel the way I felt when I wrote it. And it's okay. I don't want to delete them, because that's how I felt when I wrote it. It's like that with poems, too. Big Question: do you edit poetry or not? I feel like there is a very finite window on editing a poem. Like the poem I wrote on St. Patrick's Day, I could not edit that now. My relationship with big daddy has evolved or changed since then so to edit it would make it not about the way I felt at the moment I wrote it, which was a very lovely moment. The poem would become a lie. Sometimes "a moment" refers to a very short period, like an hour or a minute, sometimes a week or longer. When I say "moment" I refer to the period in which I felt a certain way without alteration or too much evolution.

How do I feel, right this moment? There's this pervasive sense of being 'between moments'. Not actually possible, some would argue. As always, which way do I go?

Big Daddy and I are having a lot of fun in our talks right now, and flirting quite boldly, but our intimacy has not increased and may possibly be on the decline. I just had to make it that way. Our professional ties are tightening and I rely on his services to do my job, and if things go wrong I need to be able to deal with that rationally. My care for him hasn't decreased, actually it's partly my care for him that's causing me to send more business his way, besides just enjoying every moment of dealing with him. So this is one of those moments where I'm taking advantage of the time to just breathe. Not quite waiting, but maybe a bit.

In my career, it's the same. Between moments. just breathing. Not pushing for the next change, just rolling with the punches. Here, it's because I just don't know what change I want. Do I stick to the initial plan, wait until September and see what happens? Or do I chase down new opportunities? That would really put this thing with BD on the line - are we beyond just a professional tie, if I'm no longer in a position for him to be my Superman at work, will he take the plunge and be my Superman at home?

I'll be moving in September, and I can't start to figure any of that out yet, except to decide approximately where. see? between moments. That's not good, this feeling. I'm alive, it's spring, life is beautiful, I'm going out for nachos and beer with Melissa this weekend (my heart is full as I think of that. I haven't seen her except at Starbucks in so long. I miss my Milly Bee.). I just have to not let this be an in between moment and give it the power it deserves to be lived and enjoyed. Screw breathing anyway, it's supposed to be involuntary. Being short of breath is so exhilarating...