The (First) Time I Broke My Mother's Heart.

She overheard me tell my dad that he was the only one who could ever break my heart.  She thought it meant I did not love her enough.  Really what it meant was that I perceived, subconsciously in my selfish teenage heart, that she would never do anything that would ever break my heart.  She hadn't always been the perfect mom, but she has always loved me with a fierceness that I know hurts her.  Even though she can't always express it in words, I know she would do anything for me and never complain for a second no matter how much discomfort it might cause in her life.  She hurts just because it's possible that I might hurt.

To this day I feel at home just talking to my mom on the phone or online, and especially when I get off that bus in her city and she opens her arms to hold me.  She still cries almost every time.  No matter how many times I have hurt her, she never closes herself off to me.  So many times, I chose someone else over her.  I loved someone else more than her because his love was like an accomplishment, I had to work to get it and I had to work to keep it.  She opens herself to that risk every time.  In the deepest seat of her heart she is a mother and I have never doubted her.

meeting boys; pros and cons

what i like about meeting new boys:

1. there's always something that initially sparks my interest. he's cute and there's something 'je ne sais quoi...' about him. usually it's in the eyes or the smile. or maybe he's got adorably curly hair, or he's ridiculousy funny. (or all of the above... ahhh, dreamy.)
   
2. knowing that he feels a spark... he brushes my hair off my face, maintains eye contact longer than technically necessary (but not so long that it's uncomfortable or creepy staring)
3. there are compliments, playful joking about how I have internal glittering of the soul, and again, brushes my hair off on my face, twice in less than 2 minutes - not that I'm counting... that he knew my name, or remembered my name and was curious to know more.
   
4. that I remember that I am an attractive woman that guys do feel compelled to talk to and impress. It feels good and really doesn't happen often enough. It definitely motivates me to get out more.
5. See part b of con #1
   

what i don't like so much about meeting new boys:

1. working up the energy and fighting the overwhelming (and, let's face it, silly) fear before approaching or re-approaching the guy you've been introduced to because you told your friend (and everyone else) he had to introduce you because you thought he was very cute and wanted to meet him. (This actually becomes a plus when you do make your approach because whatever the pay-off may or may not be, the satisfaction of actually accomplishing it is a high that is not easily exceeded.)
2. the high energy required to maintain his attention and curiosity can be exhausting, and is depleted as the night passes, the beer continues to flow... and when the night is an odyssey of epic proportions that goes on till the wee hours and finally ends at 5:30 (when you leave to get on the dreaded vomit comet which should really be avoided at all costs...) It's inevitable that your charms will wear off - as does your make-up - and you will start doing and saying stupid things that are decidedly lacking in internal glitter of the soul.
3. (really 2b) If the night really goes on too long without any physical acknowledgment of the spark, the banter drags on and at a certain point you just get bored of it. It becomes transparent that he is now practicing his comedy routine on you and he can't or won't turn it off and be real with you. So if you want to continue talking with him, you're going to have to reciprocate the routine-ness and on-ness. And let's face it, by 5 am you're exhausted and it's starting to grate. Like, "I'm not even going to get a kiss (read: the killer make-out session that you had foreseen 5 hours ago) out of it now after all of this fucking work."

So maybe these cons are the reasons that I don't go out more, but I do think the pros make it worth it. And I guess it is good to stay sharp at playing the games that boys play. Plus it really is fun, no matter how it turns out.

so what if he drinks every day???

Like lots of people, when I've had 'a bit of a day', nothing hits the spot like a nice glass of wine out on the balcony/porch/backyard.

And in the summer, the patio season, you are definitely more likely to find me hanging out with my buddies drinking a snakebite (cider/lager halfers) than any other season.

But lately, I've been thinking about alcoholism. Not because I even remotely worry about that affliction getting the better of me. Rather because I have been exposed to it all of my life in one way or another. There is a person in my family who was a 'raging alcoholic' when she was young and she also grew up with alcoholics. She used to take me to AA meetings with her when I was a kid so I heard some great stories, let me tell you. The height of sophistication for an eight year old - going to tim hortons with the gang after Their Weekly Meeting. And I know more than one man who drinks every day... one who drinks so much that he rarely exhibits signs of inebriation despite going through a 'two-four' in about 3 to 4 days... one who went through detox and was sober for over a year and who has now decided to 'go for a beer with his buddies' giving little thought to all those who suffered with him and supported him - talk about a slap in the face... anyway there are more than that but saying more would get me in deep trouble. If I'm not already.

Here's what I think. (And this is not AA approved, I've done no research, It's just my opinion...) Alcoholism steals, it kills, it destroys. It kills your vitality. It steals your personality. It destroys your relationships. Make no mistake, though, everything it takes it leaves something else in it's stead. It leaves a person who is unable to experience joy, motivation; a person who does not think about how their words and actions affect others; a person who allows themself to be ruled by their anger and disappointments. A person who can be cruel and even violent where there used to be someone kind and loving.

I can't be more specific than that, but that's okay. I said what I wanted to.