Shameless Self Promotion for my newest project

It's a separate blog, and the idea is that it will ultimately be Bonus Material on the DVD of my first film. I need to do this writing to reawaken the story - to remember how i imagined the film. So please read and let me know what you think if you want. or whatever. did I ever tell you...?

kj.

a life of abundance

We all want a life of abundance. We want to have everything we need in every segment of our life... we want to have shelter, food, clothing, intellectual stimulation, social acceptance, spiritual understanding. we want to have attainable goals and a direction in life. a modicum of stability to carry us through difficult times. we want to be able to stand strong in the face of adversity. to rid our lives of negativity as much as is humanly possible, so we learn to control what we think about, how we behave in relation to circumstances around us (not just REacting but choosing our response wisely so as to keep the peace.) so that our thoughts feed that abundance. and you slowly learn that you don't really know that much, that pet peeves aren't really about the people and things that bother you, they're about you and how you view yourself. how you view yourself in relation to your surroundings and people. and how YOU view the people and things around you. So if you're not 'centred' then your view will be askew and your ability to empathize and be compassionate is compromised. and your abundance at heart is compromised too, because the most important thing is to have joy at heart and mind, to "think happy thoughts" or atleast thoughts that inspire and help you build towards your goals and that better you you're always becoming. we put off the old when we put on the new. we leave the malice and anger, the childish things behind us. we leave old hurts and our old mistakes and our old thoughts and our broken dreams in yesterday where they belong, we dwell in today where our new dreams lie before us and can still come true. because dreaming is one thing we do not do enough of. today is beautiful. all the things we want to accomplish, they are wonderful and worthy. and a life of abundance is possible.

happy birthday...

to 2 people I can't even reach except by this right now!

happy birthday jacqueline, hope it's a good one. we haven't talked much lately, and I definitely miss you.

happy birthday mommy, in the dominican with no cell phone service. call me? and same as with jac i definitely miss you!

bye!

don't be angry...

Why is it so hard for you to realize that you choose to be angry? that it's your choice whether you yell at people around you, spewing your vitriolic acidity... burning through the love and joy you could be sharing? when will you start choosing to elongate the space between stimulus and response... and choose to change your automatic reactions to compassion and empathy? and also that you have no right to shout, to yell, to swear and accuse, to recite tirades... that if you continue to choose anger and pain in your heart, that's not about me and I won't let it be my problem. You deserve better. I wish you would see that. That as long as you continue to allow yourself to be cruel to those who love you, you put walls up. You imprison the friendships, you prevent them from ever being able to develop and grow. You imprison yourself when people stop letting you into their lives and they stop being able to support you.

I'm not lost anymore...

"What else would you do if you wanted to find something that's been lost?
You stop looking for it."

John Locke, Lost

Lately I've been so focussed on figuring out what's wrong with me, what's changed, why I just don't feel like myself... and all I've done has made it all worse, to the point that I barely recognize myself. I'm lost. I mean, I'm still here, where I belong, but I can't tell if it's still me. Nothing's wrong with me. I didn't change, I've just been overwhelmed by all the changes around me. I am still myself, but I'm around completely different people in just about every aspect of my life. Plus! At work, I'm pulling longer shifts and the work is more exhausting than my last job... and there are a lot of demands on my time and a lot more pressure. Which, I am not complaining about... I enjoy it, it's just different.

So I'm not going to try to figure any of it all out (besides maybe I just did) I'm just going to let it roll. It is what it is. I can't be anyone else but me... you dig?

colour quiz...i took it and it's wild

I found the results of the colour quiz to be quite fascinating.

Your Existing Situation
Working to improve her image in the eyes of others so as to obtain their compliance and agreement with her needs and wishes.

Your Stress Sources
Unfulfilled hopes have lead to uncertainty and a tense watchfulness. Insists on freedom of action and resents any form of control other than which is self-imposed. Unwilling to go without or to relinquish anything and demands security as a protection against any further setback or loss of position or prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads her to exaggerate her claims and to refuse reasonable compromises.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Believes that she is not receiving her share--that she is neither properly understood or adequately appreciated. Feels that she is being compelled to conform, and close relationships leave her without any sense of emotional involvement.
Distressed by the obstacles with which she is faced and is no mood for any form of activity or for further demands on her. Needs peace and quiet, and the avoidance of anything which might distress her further.

Your Desired Objective
Seeks luxury, sensuous comfort, and the indulgence of a taste for the voluptuous.

Your Actual Problem
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, and she is distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationship or adequate appreciation. She attempts to escape from this into a stable and secure environment in which she can relax and feel more contented.

Your Actual Problem #2
Seeks security and a position in which she will no longer be troubled by demands being made on her.

chronicles of an extroverted introvert

hey there. what's up? you know what? I'm a homebody. I never noticed before, cause my last roommate was one too. but here i am, living with two people (plus kitty), and I'm almost always home alone. when I'm not working, I'm either running errands after work, renting a season of some TV show at blockbuster, or at home watching said season of some TV show. It started with Sex in the City, then I did Alias - 3 whole seasons, then season one of One Tree Hill. And right now in my bag, is the first half of the entire series of Freaks and Geeks. And yes, I have a list of other things I want to watch. I'm telling you, this is how TV should have always been. The new season is starting as we speak, and I haven't seen anything live. I've already started my list of all the things I'll probably just wait till the dvd comes out. frightening.

so, anyway i totally got distracted there. i did have a little bit of wine tonight. You know when a group of friends decide they should get together and go dancing... they usually try to plan it like 2 or 3 weeks in advance? And so you pretty well spend that time looking forward to it? Yeah, me too. But like 2 days before I start dreading it. What a hassle, getting dressed, should I buy a new outfit, how will I do my hair, this is totally going to throw off my sleep pattern, I really hate clubs... the guys are so oily and marinated in their cologne du jour.

oh well, this post sucks some really sweaty ass. I should probably delete it. But I won't.

the time to dream is now, to build tomorrow

We need to deal with something here... You "hate hate hate ambiguity" and yet you lament the fact that you didn't "jump eagerly into the wonderful unknown". What is more ambiguous than the wonderful unknown? Now, it would seem, you want to alter your character completely. It can be done, you've done it before. At the root of your disdain for ambiguity is, of course, fear. The major changes in life you've made have always had some negative seed at it's root, anger, mistrust, sadness, self-centredness, and now it's fear. It's okay. It's something that most people fear, the unknown. And it's good that you're here at this point in the space/time continuum where you're aware of it, and in a position to root it out.

So don't be afraid anymore. Look into that future... and paint it. Paint it whatever colours you want, include the people you want to keep close, the people you want to meet, the work you want to do. Paint in the world the way you want it to look, the ways you want to change it, the way you want it to be. It is what you think it is... So make it full of potential, possibility, opportunities to teach and learn, grow and help, love and be loved. Know that it is not to be feared because it is of your own design. You're the author of your life. of your future. of your dreams, and of their coming into fruition. And then you'll know there's nothing to fear. And then you will jump eagerly into that wonderful unknown every day of your beautiful life.

thinking about thinking, feeling what you're feeling

Coasting along, everything is okay, or liveable, feeling comfortable even with your discomfort. Indefinitely, you think, this could just go on. And then the rug is pulled out from under you... and it's scary as all hell, because it's a flying carpet, until you realize you're floating, and for the first time in a long time, you actually feel free to feel what you feel, and you're thinking about what you've been thinking about. And you realize how insane you were to let yourself be okay with the things you became okay with. And you were pushed into the oblivion by a hand out of the dark but you should have been jumping eagerly into the wonderful unknown.

And your thoughts and feelings bleed into one another, they contradict each other for the sheer volume of them. It's only because you allowed yourself, no, forced yourself to think yourself into that little prison, with sunlight painted on the walls and free pizza for lunch every friday, and you tricked yourself into thinking that it was not a prison. You were filled with those thoughts that betrayed who you really were... who are you again? On the faces of your friends, in the words of that distant friend, in your voice when you sing along to every song and that brings you joy, finally you are you again.

And now you have to start again but it's not from nothing... not at all. Even though nobody believes that you learned the greatest lessons of your life so far while living in poverty on the wages of a coffee shop, you know that it's so. It's not that you know how to make a perfect latte, or cleaned bathrooms 6 or 7 times a week. It's that you loved those people, it's that you all worked together and became friends and "had each other's backs". The hours spent over nachos and beer, not letting anything change who you were. And they wouldn't have asked you to change just as you never asked anyone to change. Just being free to grow and mature and providing a safe environment for each other to do the same. What were those lessons? Don't forget. Don't forget that abundance is in your heart and your mind, and if it isn't there it doesn't matter how much you make an hour. Life happens thought by thought, and you can make everything better one thought preceeding one word, preceeding one action. Cappuccinos are expensive but love is free. That people can be really stupid but they can be really wonderful too, and love is the catalyst.

And now you are starting over, but it's definitely not from scratch. And you won't go back. It's an opportunity to start making those old dreams come true... To learn to fly and to write that movie and learn to play the guitar and sing and to find the job at the place that wants what you have to offer and won't ask you to stop coming up with solutions to problems they've come to terms with years ago. To go back to school and be able to finally really say the sky's the limit. And to be okay with the fact that sometimes you use trite cliches in your writing... atleast you don't mix metaphors.

and now for something a little bit different...

I've been feeling a little flustered lately... maybe it's the heat, maybe it's my messy room, maybe it's my sucky job and the dread of a potentially impending job hunt which is always depressing, maybe it's the music I'm listening to, maybe it's my potential being wasted, maybe it's my big daddy drivin me crazy... do you see why I might be flustered?

So today I'm going to just publish random thoughts... I'll keep this window open all day and type stuff in as I think of it.

Last night I got my air conditioner installed, and it was so nice it made the apartment so cool. Then this morning I discovered that my living room was flooded. So I had to unplug it, knowing that today would be the hottest day of the week. Didn't have time to clean any of it or even get a pail, couldn't get ahold of my work to tell anyone I'd be late so I had to leave it.

Also when I got home from work and signed into messenger, bd was still online... so we started chatting, and it was so weird to be at home talking to him. really weird.

I don't know if you know this about me, but I hate ambiguity. without ambivelance, I hate hate hate it.

What I also don't like is that I still have the same problems as I did a year ago, and probably a lot longer. I've grown and evolved but not as much as I thought. Not as much as I wanted to. Or not in the areas I wanted to. It's still on me to 'get off my ass and do something' as bd said months ago. It's up to me how I grow, where I go. You see?

The problem is that I don't hate my job. I hate lots of things about my job. Like the pay, the location, the ambiguity of my position and the structure of the company. I love a lot of the people I work with, I like my vendors and my customers... I like the challenges and the opportunity to grow beyond people's expectations. I hate, though, that there are people who have low expectations of me, have no idea how hard I work and how dedicated I am. I hate that there' s a guy who thinks it's appropriate to come beside me and sift through all my papers and ask me questions... never mind the context of the paper... it could be 4 months old and I'm filing but he starts up like it's a new order... has so and so ordered? and he has absolutley no idea of the details of the company's activities. What shortages I'm facing, how many phone calls, emails I have to return, how many orders and POs I have to process, if I'm having trouble lining up transportation, he wants me to stop and tell him all the orders I've gotten so far. I could just print a report, but he's turned that offer down. It's so irksome that because I sit at reception people treat my desk as a fucking lounge... it's not like I'm on the phone and it's not like I have a kajillion details to take on at any given moment and it's not like I could use the peace and quiet.

But. Then there's the person I love working with the most, who is back from holiday after a week and a half... the VP Ops who is so amiable, flexible, the most cooperative person I've ever met. He always maintains a sense of quiet, he knows how to talk to people respectfully and get his shit done effectively at the same time. And he relies on me. He sees me and he's suitably impressed by all the thing's other people miss because they're so busy looking for the worst in people. He'd have made an awesome starbuck's manager.

So would I have. I still regret not going for that. I still could. Tell me... opinions? I've been waffling on this one since christmas... someone kick my ass over to one side or the other! yes, jac, I mean you too.

I should close this mutha out now before it gets too long.

randomly yours,

Kristin

The Butler Brothers

The buzz on The Butler Brothers taken directly from their website...

Hollywood North Magazine has this to say:

About A & L: "The brash, unsentimental dialogue and bleak black and white composition of Alive and Lubricated creates a funny, insightful and raw look at the new suburban culture."

About Bums: "Bums crackling characters paint the genders as twins rather than opposites in a razor sharp snapshot of that gap between freedom and responsiblity."

That comment about the genders being twins, that makes me want to see this movie. I wonder if this was intentional... I love this idea. That the guys would portray men and women that way because that's how they inherently view things. Whenever I've talked to Brett, he has always spoken to me as an equal, never just wanting to brag about what books he's read (for example,) but wanting to know what I was reading too. So that would make sense. I like the girls in the trailer too. They just look confident, gorgeous, and smart. One of the guys in bums says "I find a smart girl more erotic than just some pretty girl, you know what I'm saying?" That's so cool. Smart girls sort of lose hope sometimes that there are guys who actually might give a shit about what goes on upstairs. Thanks Butler Brothers...

I was watching the trailers and, maybe it's the black and white, but I was reminded of Clerks. And that can't be bad. The dialogue is so sharp and different, just like talking to Brett or Jason... which is appropriate because they are the writers. Every line is a potential one-liner. Like this, from A&L "It's just lucky i amuse myself so much" and from Bums "you're the only one who gets you off, it's a sad, disgusting, narcissistic problem - get help"So to answer the obvious, yes, I'm ordering these DVD's really soon. Take a look at their site, it's gorgeous. I don't know who designed it but it's phenomenal.

Smart girls can be chearleaders too:
Goooooooooo Sub Prod!

Abolissons la Pauvrete Parte Deux: Get On Board

So I was watching The National and there was a piece about this grassroots movement called Get On Board. The idea of the movement was to travel to some of the poorest villages in Africa and take messages from them directly to the G8 leaders. And Emma Thomson was featured, saying that the idea that helping Africa and changing policy and providing aid is charity needs to change. This cannot be thought of as charity, that mentality is wrong. It is our moral responsibility to take care of African people just as much as it is to take care of Canadian people, to protect the unprotected from injustice. Poverty should be seen as injustice, not just misfortune.

The messages included pleas for education, empowerment of women, free anti-virals, and this one was my favourite: "G8 Leaders: Your guns equals to our poverty"

I've been following, and commenting on a weblog called Wizbang which turns out to be kinda right wing, but what the hell... and if you wanted to check it out and see what your brilliant pal kristin has to say... there you go. The initial post is called Will Live Aid End Poverty, and it pissed me off, as well as subsequent posts and I felt the need to comment.

so mainly what I'm thinking about is how poverty is not the real problem but the symptom of the problem. So yeah, we need to root out the cause and fix that. But in medicine you have to treat the symptoms and the cause more often than not. so while Aid may not be The Answer, it most definitely needs to be part of the package.

abolissons la pauvrete

First, just let me get this out of the way - a sentiment voiced repeatedly yesterday was that Live 8 organizers don't want our money, they want our voice. God gave us the gift of voice, not so that we should be silenced... as Neil Young sang so beautifully. So follow this link and sign the petition to add your name to the millions over the world who've done so.

This was not your every day festival type concert, so any review could not be a typical concert review. Steven Paige of the Barenaked Ladies said it best "This day is not about the music, it's about the message. But the music is rockin!" I have only like a half-complaint, and that is that nobody got a long enough set. Stephanie and I got on the bus at 9:15 and headed up. We got into the line-up just as Sam Roberts started his set and we heard pretty much the whole thing. Then as we went the long way around the bend, we missed the beginning of Bryan Adams set but got into the park in time to hear the last 2 songs which finale'd into an interlude of Tears Are Not Enough (which was the Canadian Musicians' collaboration for the original Live Aid) So we missed Tom Cochrane who was first and I think that's it.

But we were there for the worldwide snap-in. that was crazy cool.... you stand with 35,000 people snapping every 3 seconds in unison while knowing it's happening the same in philadelphia, london, moscow, tokyo, berlin, paris, johannesberg and rome and see if you don't get a little choked up. (the significance of the snapping is from the adverts, where celebrities were snapping every 3 seconds to demonstrate how often a child dies of hunger or aids or exposure in these countries.)

All the musicians did such a fantastic job, and when they spoke on the issues they really were eloquent. I understand that the aftermath of the media was to show people who were at the festival who couldn't answer the basic questions about the issues. they never asked me, and the people I was with; stephanie, jacqueline, jenn and cody. I just don't believe that the majority of the crowd were cluelessly there about the music... or just for kicks. The night before the concert, news coverage showed the first people to arrive at the park. And this 40-ish rocker type was sitting in his lawn chair with his wife and said "I just really believe all the love from these concerts is gonna reach the G8 and they'll do the right thing." I really do believe that was the heart behind everyone who turned up. You can't tell by looking at a person how deeply they feel about something. You can laugh at the naivety of that guy, or you can love him for it. If 26 million people (the number of signatures on the list around the time that the Barenaked Ladies took the stage) are all believing that they can make a difference, then I think we can.

Maybe poverty will not be 100% eradicated... If there is still poverty in Canada and the US then we would be crazy to believe we can eradicate it in Africa. But. Because there is no logical reason for poverty to exist in North America with the political systems in place, but you can understand where it could come from if you look at the exploitation and level of marginalization in these "third world" countries. (I was happily surprised to note that part of the Canadian make poverty history movement includes Canadian poverty. And you can go there too and sign up and send an e-mail to Paul Martin.) But. Aid does work, even if it's not the only answer and even if it cannot be the entire solution. In Johannesburg, we were introduced to a woman who, in the 1980's was a posterchild of the next victim of starvation... she was doomed... and now she is a graduate of University in Civil Engineering if I'm not mistaken. She studied in Africa and now she is there making a difference. You never know who you could help.

I will probably be talking about this for a while, consider that fair warning. It's probably okay, I'm sure y'all are sick of hearing about big daddy or whatever... I am and he's my crush. I want to close with this... Bruce Cockburn said (and I'm paraphrasing) "the cynical media has been telling us a lot... about how the aid we're asking for will never help the people we want to help because the countries in question are run by despotic and corrupt regimes who exploit their people and who benefit from the marginalization. But what we don't hear about, and people forget, is that those regimes are upheld by the very G8 leaders we are here to address today. If they stopped supporting these regimes they would fall. In a heartbeat." Basically, there are so many opinions going back and forth, so many editorials. but for heaven's sake this issue is not fodder for an op-ed page. these are lives in the balance. and it's time to do something. Even if more aid is the wrong thing, or not enough, it's more than what we're doing now.

this one's for the boys

Dear boys,

You know who you are. You are the collection that I have carried with me, adding to you as I've grown and changed. I let you change me. I needed you to change me. I let you hurt me. And since you're not actually in my life except in the imaginary one, I've agonized over the girls you've loved since you loved me. But it's all changed. You're free. I'm leaving you behind. You can date whomever you want to. You can live with whomever you want to. You can marry whomever you want to. Have pet cats and turtles and plants and your own lives with whomever you want. In your time you gave me something, you took something from me, we became something special together. But now carrying you with me is a weight and I can't handle it anymore - I'm losing myself in order to hold onto you. I wouldn't want to take back the experiences, the poems I wrote, and if I could I'd go back and write more, but I can't, and I want to write new poetry about new things anyway.

So thanks for all of it, and goodbye.
Moi.

This one's for the other boys

You are the ones that if I had the chance, I'd take it back. I'd undo it. I'd un-meet you. I'd un-love you. You don't exist in my imaginary world, you sit in the shadows, where the light hasn't hit yet, and you affect my actions and emotions and mood swings in ways I haven't quite figured out yet. This letter is basically to serve notice, you're being evicted. I'm getting my lamp ready and goin exploring through the recesses of my mind where you thought you were safe, and I'm cleaning house. It may take a while, but I'll get you. You're not welcome here anymore.

plugging princess wonder again

This is especially for Steve, Jac has done a really brilliant post about African Politics in light of recent discussions and decisions about debt forgiveness. so check it out, y'all.

once upon a time at a bbq in the beaches

It always energizes me to go down to the beaches to see my old friends, I never know who I'll end up having a really phenomenal heart to heart with. I never know who will turn up at one of these BBQ's which usually turn out to have a very Reunion-ish feel to them - sometimes just by the very fact that I'm there which is really rare. Melissa has a new boyfriend, and He's Not Graham... thank god. This is the sweetest little girl on the planet and for over a year she was living with one of the most mean spirited, hateful bastards I've ever had the misfortune to meet. So I did not get much time to bond with her because she was tangled up in him all evening. But he's really lovely. And in the same vein, Helen (R.) dropped by with a new boyfriend also - I don't think she's known him long but they just seemed to be in sync in such a beautiful way. And this girl who has always been awkward and sad (but honest and compassionate) looked so happy and quiet, with true inner peace instead of the old discomfort like she could never get comfortable in her own skin. I wanted to cry from joy to see her like that. The other Helen and Robynne were there too, before I got there. Derek (still hot) and his girlfriend (don't hate her anymore) were there for a few hours and it was really cool to watch their interaction, they've been living together for years and you can really tell. Also she brought up how she plays beach volleyball once a week and totally got me talking about big daddy and for that I earned an earful of advice. Basically, two months from now if we're still talking and nothings changed but we still "dig" each other I should start asking about the gf and begin waging a campaign of heavy artillery. so not my style, but it was fun to pretend i could actually do such things. intentionally take action to break them up. according to derek's girl they don't live together so there's no real commitment. Well, we all have different ideas about commitment I guess...

Around midnight, I made the mistake of thinking the party was winding down so I sat down on the kitchen floor with ryan and embarked on a lovely chat, to which helen joined shortly. And just as she was about to open up her chest and pull her heart out for us to examine, who should arrive but - yes, you guessed it BUTLER! And the other Ryan who is working on his first film which butler is helping him with. They had had a long day of shooting and finally felt up to joining the party. oh butler. does that man know how to hug or what. I could have stood there all night having him hold me like that. Yes, I did say I was over him. And I am. but that doesn't mean I don't love him. when you love someone you don't stop just because you don't still fantasize about your future relationship (never going to happen) and you hardly spend any time reliving those perfect moments you spent with them. So we spent some time talking about the stresses he's dealing with trying to get his films distributed and then about my future plans... "what are you going to go to school for?" "I don't quite know yet, but I'll decide. just something Artsy." "Don't you think you should figure it out first?" And I just love that. I explained the background of how I've never made a decision of what to do because I was afraid to choose wrong. And you know, I could do anything, (You could! I know you could!) so once I've made that decision I'll be happy just to be on the way. He still has that same wide eyed appreciation for me and my abilities and potential, and he's not afraid to kick my ass when he know's I tend to let it waste out of fear. he once told me (we were lamenting the state of television and in particular the dire lack of good, hip sitcoms) that I should write the next "Fresh Prince of Belair." {Do you know what big daddy said to me early last week? He said "I'm no expert, but I believe that you could do anything you want to.... But you actually have to get off your ass and do something to make it happen." I said, "I beg to differ, you just proved to be a certified Kristin Expert." He is saying shit all the time which really shows that same awe and admiration. borderline devotion.}

Lots of great things happened tonight, lots that was weird and ridiculous and silly and crazy... like the 19 year old boy (god is he ever cute) who kept kissing me and holding me and quoting napoleon dynamite and doing his chewbacca impression to impress me... I mean he is really cute. But so young. and thin! He's in high school. oh my gosh, a high school boy totally flirted with me. (Shut up Stephanie, I'm not a fucking cougar.) Okay, he flirted with just about everyone but still. that was so fun. And Butler totally shared his beer with me, and the whole time we sat together, and when we hugged good night (three of us had walked to his place and were dropping him off) he did not want to let go. count: that's two. yeah. butler hugged me twice. yeah.

the boys we love and that really love us, even if they are not the one we will eventually marry and make babies with, they teach us what we deserve, what we want, what we need. they help us learn who we are. The rest may hurt us, or wound us deeply, scar us, and sometimes change us irrevocably. I wish we could tell which one a boy is going to be before we take the journey with them. Because the men who've hurt me, wounded me, damaged me, they didn't teach me any lessons I actually wanted or needed to learn. I'm still healing, and one thing that really helps me is to think about butler, big daddy and some very significant others, and the way they make me feel, who I am because of them, who I want to be for someone very much like any and all of them.

most definitely, i have stuff to blog about...

but where does one even start?

I'm "drowning in randomness" so I don't know. Seems for the last little while I've been...ummm...distracted? A self inflicted distraction to keep me from dealing with "my shit." poor Big Daddy, became the victim or object of my affection and all so unnecessarily. not that he isn't deserving, not that he isn't wonderful, not that my feelings for him don't still linger. but I can remember the very moment I gave birth to the need for him... an almost fully-formed, conscious thought: I need a new crush. Because why? none of your beeswax, actually. sorry, I know, normally full disclosure is my policy. but I can't, not this time.

Amazing, though, how that works. It works whether the thing you want, need, ask for, decide on, is good for you you or not. the moment I decided I needed a new boy to throw my attention, love, desire, mind on - there he was. Pushing his way into my life, insisting that we be friends with virtual benefits. And in the same vain, almost consciously I assumed he must be som'n special cos I asked for him and he was given to me.

And now, things have changed or cooled off. Either one of us backed off and the other responded in kind (which one, I couldn't tell you) or we both backed off at the same time, and it is what it is but I miss him. My instinct - and with my big daddy I always always always follow my very first instinct - is to just go with the flow, let it be what it be and maybe it'll change again or maybe it'll die. So that's what I'm doing. But I'm missing my big daddy, I'm not writing poetry, I'm not in a cloud. I'm back on earth. drowning in all the questions that hit me so fast and furious, and so random about what to do now about my career, my education, my future. So if you are wondering why I'm not as light and bright and all that as I have been, that's why. It's not all bad. But it's not fun right now.

but i do have lots to say so I'm sure I'll blog again soon.
until then,
moi.

do I have stuff to blog about?

good old Goethe...

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back,
always ineffectiveness concerning all acts of initiative (and creation).

"There is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, that providence moves too.

"All sorts of things occur to help one that never would have otherwise
occurred. A stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material
assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

"Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now."

or as my buddy Hunter S. Thompson was fond of saying:

"Buy the Ticket, Take the (mofo) ride!"

which napoleon dynamite character are You?

You are Deb and you could drink whole milk if you
wanted.


Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

just the smallest of geek-outs

Right now, as we speak I'm embarking on just a minor geek-out. I'm exploring the Star Wars Databank to learn a little bit more about the Jedi Order, the Jedi weapon the Light Saber, Anakin Solo (yes! really! the son of Han Solo and Laeia, grandson of Anakin Skywalker!) and whatever else catches my fancy. Last night I watched Episode I: The Phantom Menace and tonight it was Episode II: The Attack of the Clones, and tomorrow night if my schedule can fit it I'm going to see Episode III: The Revenge of the Sith with my pal Jerry. If my schedule can fit it equals I will wake up at 5:00 in the AM if I have to, to make it fit. I am sooooo excited!

Things are okay. I'm trying to plan a road trip east for this summer, I'm trying to plan my life for the next 2 years, I'm trying to figure everything out all at once because not one stupid thing in my life is settled, not one damn thing makes any sense, everything is kind of all up in the air or a complete mess, really.

the force is strong in you, my child. but you must not give in to the dark side.

Grow up...

There she is, on the balcony with the aggressive punk music turned up full blast and pumping through the speakers out to her. Hunched over, angry, rebellious shoulders, fidgeting in her seat, and alternately pacing back and forth. This time she's not really smoking the cigarette in her hand. It just sits between her fingers as the tobacco and paper burn sending the sweet smoke to her nose. She didn't really want to smoke, she just wanted to have it in her hand. It's that familiar comfort, that brief "fuck you, dad, if you're not going to love me than neither am I" that she hasn't felt in over 10 years. Her face takes on the downward-looking, in-facing scowl and anyone looking at her would know she's not seeing much past her nose. This heartache is so old and familiar and even though she's grown past this childish reaction here she is anyway, and it was so easy to fall back here. Other new heartaches didn't bring her back here, she dealt with those maturely and learned and grew from them. But dad's abject refusal to learn and grow, to see how he could change the future and erase the power of the past pain for his whole family is so staggering... The same wounds and frustrations yield the same immature coping mechanisms.

And so they lied. They pretended they were okay because they didn't want to hurt their parents' feelings. The parents were children themselves. They pushed themselves to appear happy and well adjusted and go out with their friends and be normal... Normal kids who could not hold a job, who fell into smoking dope every day, who just could not figure out what the hell it meant to grow up. To cope with life, what the hell does that mean? And so what if they occasionally felt like their grasp on sanity was tenuous, at best? Would it have helped if they'd laid it at their parents feet, held them responsible? Told them to grow up and be parents? Looking back, she thinks probably not. So what if nothing scared them more than tomorrow, of the impending failures, of ending up just like their parents? Five years apart but the same path. She is the oldest, she made it through to become a functioning adult and pretty successful at some things. It was by God's grace that she was able to overcome the past, and now it's her brother's turn but he doesn't know how to ask for God's grace so how will he overcome? Does she have enough to spare him the pain he's feeling now, to help him find his way?

She comes inside the apartment, turns the music down. Goes into the kitchen to find the cream bleach and abrasive sponge to clean the sinks. And then to the bathroom to scrub the bathtub, toilet, sink. And she remembers the time she stayed up until 3:00am cleaning bathrooms and almost made herself sick from the noxious fumes. Partly because the violent argument with dad had happened sitting at the kitchen table at dinner and she'd stormed off without eating a bite. And so now she wonders if she'll ever grow up.

talk to you...wait...see you later

my first "date" with big daddy

pretty sure you couldn't really call it a date but what the hell, I'm going to anyway. I got the nicest hug and kiss on the cheek as a greeting when I arrived at the pub we'd agreed on, and he was at the booth/table I'd told him I liked, and he smelled good. And he was as excited/awkward as I was. We went 1 for 1 on knocking stuff over and trying to stay cool about it. (When I first walked in I kicked a rock on the floor and almost did a face plant. When he got up to go the mens' room he almost flung the menus halfway across the joint. and so on and so on.) He's so cute. My hair looked so perfect. My skin was glowing. His teeth are so perfect and white. He's taller and bigger than me. Our conversation flowed just beautifully - think of a river with enough rocks to make those nice ripples and rapids people take photos of, but no artificial dams or locks. We talked about Everything, and joked so much. I smiled and laughed so much my cheek muscles feel strained today. He's the kind of person I could talk to for my entire life and not get bored. I'm not saying anything here, I'm just saying.

hugs just like I knew they'd be. kisses on the cheeks surprised me, pleasantly. he was so excited to be looking across at me instead of shooting off an email or picking up the phone, and he said so 3 or 4 times. he was just so excited. this person makes me so happy I can't even express it. At around 12:30 he drove me home. got out of the car to come around and hug me goodbye (another kiss on the cheek too...) Just before I opened the door to my building he yelled out "What was my present?" because he just had a birthday and I bought him a gift. Oh yeah! Sorry. So I walked back around to his side of the car, opened up my knapsack and pulled it out, it was "Personae: Short Poems of Ezra Pound". He was emphatically appreciative, and it made me feel so good. And it won me one last hug & kiss, which was maybe the sweetest moment ever. (That makes 3 each for those of you counting!)

and still so potentially tragic

around every corner,
at the next stop I make,
any detour I may take,
if I stop for a coffee break,
could you be there?
places you would never be,
I know of hope
there's not a trace
yet I still feel disappointed
when I don't find your face.

always I'm wondering,
and I carry you with with me
we're never together
we'll never be, not ever?
And I can't decide
if my heart is empty
wanting you to fulfill my every dream
or if my heart is full
of the potent longing
that seems to fuel me...
all my steps,
it energizes me
from my depths
to write the poetry
and do my ab crunches
and work on my triceps
and read the books
that make me better
to not watch any more TV
(except 24, The Hour, and
documentaries on the CBC)

so potentially tragic
so kinetically wanting
so chemically reacting
to the "me" you inspire
I wouldn't trade this desire
and I dig this ache
that makes life so vivid...
that makes every earthly heartache
and every heartbreak under the sun so beautiful
and colours the world
around me so violently.

I take a deep breath
but it's never enough.
I need so much more
than I ever did before.

I went and did it...

I bought a cell phone. I got a pay as you go deal with "the big one" where I have 3 friends who work there, who are all so excited. But why did you go "pay/go"(company lingo)? Well because last time i had a cell phone, I used to get so mad about the fact that I had it and had to deal with it. there may be times I won't even want to use it. I'll totally leave it at home for months, and I'll be one of those people about whom people say "why do you even bother to have to a cell if you're just gonna leave it off all the time?"

I was so glad I didn't have a cell when there was this guy (I call him 'cell phone guy' when I tell the story) who drove me home from a party and wanted to date me, who spent almost the entire ride home (almost 30 minutes) making oh-so-very crucial phone calls while I sat and chilled to his gino-beats. And a few days later, he called me - from his cell - on Friday night at about 8:30 trying to ask me out. I let his call go to VM and saved it for weeks so I could play it for everyone and say "Can you believe the nerve? Isn't that against the rules? To try to ask me out for the same night?" I never went out with cell phone guy, but I did use the story to prove just how cool I was when I was trying to get Butler to take me home after our holiday party. Good times. Well, Butler is truly out of my life and he will never bring me home again, and I'm really okay with that, so I figured it was safe to get a cell phone.

My cell phone is totally sexy and cute, silver flip phone, and it fits inside my hand. I guess my values have changed. So I'm on my way out now, but you can reach me on my cell. A'ight?

Quantum Pink Hearts

little pink hearts drawn for no one.
little pink hearts in pink felt tip pens.
liitle pink hearts with room for 2 sets of initials and a plus sign.
chubby little anatomically incorrect hearts
but not with the name of my beloved inside.
I carry him with me,
and in that other world
that was created when he chose her,
wherein he's my lover,
together we dream of the life we're embarking on.
little sadly drawn pink hearts that look empty without his name.
behind the hearts, between the protons,
a porch swing, with us sitting side by side, holding hands
2 glasses half filled with wine,
sunset painting itself across the sky before us,
2 cats moving between our feet brushing against our skin
for want of nothing but the contact.
The breeze off of the water rushes towards us
and he brushes the hair away from my face that wasn't there before...
leans over, kisses my face,
"thank you for this good life"
that has really yet to begin, as we sit beside the door
with little pink hearts and our names engraved.
behind those hearts, between those protons,
a girl sits with a pink felt tip pen
and pretty pink paper
drawing little pink hearts
and sad words, alone and never knowing.

Y'all have got to read this, no yoke.

This is Jac's latest post, and it is just the coolest. This girl can just cut to the deepest heart and understand, which can be good or it can be bad. For her or her "victim". hey Jac! I love it!

breathing in the moment

It's funny as I look back on old posts and realize that I don't feel the way I felt when I wrote it. And it's okay. I don't want to delete them, because that's how I felt when I wrote it. It's like that with poems, too. Big Question: do you edit poetry or not? I feel like there is a very finite window on editing a poem. Like the poem I wrote on St. Patrick's Day, I could not edit that now. My relationship with big daddy has evolved or changed since then so to edit it would make it not about the way I felt at the moment I wrote it, which was a very lovely moment. The poem would become a lie. Sometimes "a moment" refers to a very short period, like an hour or a minute, sometimes a week or longer. When I say "moment" I refer to the period in which I felt a certain way without alteration or too much evolution.

How do I feel, right this moment? There's this pervasive sense of being 'between moments'. Not actually possible, some would argue. As always, which way do I go?

Big Daddy and I are having a lot of fun in our talks right now, and flirting quite boldly, but our intimacy has not increased and may possibly be on the decline. I just had to make it that way. Our professional ties are tightening and I rely on his services to do my job, and if things go wrong I need to be able to deal with that rationally. My care for him hasn't decreased, actually it's partly my care for him that's causing me to send more business his way, besides just enjoying every moment of dealing with him. So this is one of those moments where I'm taking advantage of the time to just breathe. Not quite waiting, but maybe a bit.

In my career, it's the same. Between moments. just breathing. Not pushing for the next change, just rolling with the punches. Here, it's because I just don't know what change I want. Do I stick to the initial plan, wait until September and see what happens? Or do I chase down new opportunities? That would really put this thing with BD on the line - are we beyond just a professional tie, if I'm no longer in a position for him to be my Superman at work, will he take the plunge and be my Superman at home?

I'll be moving in September, and I can't start to figure any of that out yet, except to decide approximately where. see? between moments. That's not good, this feeling. I'm alive, it's spring, life is beautiful, I'm going out for nachos and beer with Melissa this weekend (my heart is full as I think of that. I haven't seen her except at Starbucks in so long. I miss my Milly Bee.). I just have to not let this be an in between moment and give it the power it deserves to be lived and enjoyed. Screw breathing anyway, it's supposed to be involuntary. Being short of breath is so exhilarating...

He yelled at you? I don't like it. Get rid of him...

april 7th at a Starbucks that's decidedly growing on me...

that's a dam good latte. and I told him so. But I didn't meekly approach him, twirling my hair and weaving from side to side with the posture of an eight year old. I said, "hey you, that was a fuckin awesome latte. thanks."

Not before the following epiphany, though:
When did i become so "small" of voice? So quiet and want to be unassuming? Why is it important that I make everyone's day "one smile brighter?" not that it's a bad thing, but is it for them, or for me? Is this about being a people pleaser? maybe it's not a big deal, not reflecting some personal insecurity. But in my belly it feels like maybe it is. Complete strangers who won't ever see me again have to think "what a nice girl..." I may be a complete doormat loser, but shit, I'm nice. When the fuck did that happen? Who knew what a neurotic freakazoid I really am? When did we decide "nice" is our defining feature? Bullshit! I can be a fucking bitch, I can be (albeit currently celibate, nevertheless) a complete sex-fiend slutbag, and I like being a loudmouthed opinionated shit disturber. I'm obnoxious and I'm funny. In fact, the louder and more obscene, the funnier I am. So where the fuck did my voice go? I didn't lose my ability to use words to express myself, I just stopped actually expressing who I am. I lost my voice. I am not quiet. Do you know that there are people meeting me recently who think I'm fucking quiet! What? A huge "fuck all o'y'all motherfuckers" to the people who saw me change into this mouse and let it happen! dudes! what the hell?

Say it. It fucking doesn't matter if every stupid person I meet thinks I'm sweet as pie. I don't mind being sweet as pie - as long as it's rhubarb pie. that pie has bite. I may not be eating myself alive with anger and fear and self-hatred (I don't miss that!) but that doesn't mean I can't have some attitude. I'm going to give up my ridiculous obsession with making sure everything I say and every reaction I have and everything I feel is perfect and making sure everyone know how perfect I am. I'm fucking not. A perfect person wouldn't swear this much, I'm quite sure. Yesterday I had an arguement with a coworker. He got defensive when I called him on some shit and tried to deflect blame. I was grumpy from tired and so I didn't control my words quite as much I normally would do. I argued back. A lot. It went on for almost 10 minutes. Fuck. It felt so good. And then I felt bad because I'd misbehaved. I don't feel bad anymore. I never apologized and I won't cause I wasn't wrong. He knows now not to try to blame me for his shit. I ain't a doormat. Hell no. When I told Dave about it, he was positively indignant on my behalf, which is sweet, but just shows me he has no idea who I am. That's okay. He wants to, and that's the important part. I just have to make sure it's really me he gets to know!

the beekeeper and the pope

I bought the new Tori Amos CD last night, The Beekeeper and I bought the one with the bonus DVD. I actually have not had a chance to listen to the whole thing straight through, but it's very long. And it's so very Tori. Soulful and passionate and I just love the way she plays with the sounds of words, so you know what words she's singing but she's singing them so differently. I just love that. Did anybody know she collaborated with a journalist to write her autobiography? I'm considering picking it up, I just think she's so interesting. her poetry is so mysterious and yet evocative of personal experiences as I listen to it. I may not be able to listen to anything else but Tori for a while. I may have to immerse myself a bit. Each song (so far) has such a distinct sound - a few are decidedly funky, soul, hip-hoppy. Like I'm not kidding, it's really fabulous. If you already love her, this will only add to it. If you don't know her, I dare you to not love her. okay, enough.

I'm this close to posting my first ever article on my newsy blog. It's going to be where I work on some writing, research and journalistic skills to see if I have what I have it takes. Ironically enough, for those who know me, my first article is going to feature heavily the pope and his death, but mostly the news coverage of said event. Working title: "What I learned about the News Media from the death of the pope." If you're curious, I think it'll be ready tomorrow night. I'll get back to you on that.

¿the case against dating?

i'm not a big fan of the modern construct we call dating. Definitely there are circumstances where it works, where it's beautiful, lovely and beneficial to the lives of both people involved. But it seems to me, as a concept, it is fraught with drama, trauma and more trouble than it's worth. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, in terms of my present, my past and my future. I currently do not have a boyfriend. I have not had a boyfriend in a long time. I've loved guys who I never dated and I've dated guys I never loved. There have been times when I filtered from a guy the connection that was available - part mental, mostly physical and little to no emotional - because it was what he had to contribute and because I didn't care to fight for more.

I just think sometimes we date because we think we are supposed to. We are groomed, in our society, to "partner up" and forge these relationships and be romantically entangled. Like in the movies. Someone who will be on our arm at all the parties, someone to talk to whenever we have something to say, someone we can have sex with when we "feel romantic" (read: need physical release). Someone who looks good beside us. Look, I think these things are great. But this is not enough of a reason to have a relationship. Relationships are hard. They come with complications, entanglements, confusion, hurt and pain. Even the good ones.

So, do I want a boyfriend? Hell yeah, with a very important distinction. I want a partner in crime, I want him to be someone who is so very special. Not just any boy will do, you see. He must be strong, and sweet, and able to function emotionally, and intelligent. He must be of such integrity and character. He should have good (or atleast distinctive) taste in music and movies and books. He should be able to discuss politics and economics and world matters with me, and he should have a different set of expertise than me so we can teach each other. He should be worthy of my respect and admiration, he should impress me everyday with some new part of himself. And he should be as impressed with me as I am with him. He should be worth all the trouble, and he should see me as being worth all the trouble. He must fall in love with me as hard as I fall in love with him.

I didn't intend to turn this into a wish list. But dammit, Lisa, you got me thinkin with your post What I want in a lover besides love. I think what I wrote is not really the case against dating at all. It's an explanation to why I am not too upset that I don't have a string of "This guy I once dated..." stories anywhere near as long as some people my age. I'm not sure that I missed much. And I know what I want - and deserve - so clearly that I won't settle for anything less. exeunt...

Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride

I don't even effing care if that's the most oft quoted Hunter S. Thompson line ever. I'm diggin it. Johnny Depp didn't seem to mind using it in his tribute, so fuck you.

I'm so manically wannabe inspired. For real. I'm so easily inspired. But I lack the energy to stay that way, that's my real problem. So what I really want is to just always fucking do it all anyway. The life I want. The ticket is in my hand. I'm too tired to get on the train? I'm too tired? enough I say. Goddamn enough is enough. I'm not gonna wait for some stupid boy (who never turns out to be what I think anyway) to come along and inspire me. To come along and take me on a ride. It's my fucking ride. Some time soon, a boy is going to come along and maybe we'll ride together. anyway, if there's one thing i hate is mixed metaphors so I need to stop before i get myself in trouble. (Listen, for all who are wondrin, no nothing bad happened with big daddy. But come on, the damned thing is doomed before - if - it ever gets started. let's be real. I'm not just going to sit around and wait for him to shatter me. I'm no china doll.)

You know what's changed lately? Since I had a bit of a breakdown (see: "all the things my friends won't let me say" if you don't remember it) I've turned off that goddamned TV like 95% of the time. Been listening to music a lot and shit but the only TV I watch regularly is The Hour with my boyfriend George Stroumboulopoulos and the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. On Thursday, George was lamenting the state of television, reminiscing to a time when All in the Family was on and really made a difference. I got teared up. All in the Family, M*A*S*H and other TV back then really expanded people's perceptions by opening up avenues they might not otherwise have been available to them. I think George said this, but I've said this for so long: the last good show we had was Roseanne. (Why I love George: News the way I would broadcast it. Get out of my head dude!) Now it's Everybody Loves Raymond. (George: "well, not everybody..." fekking brilliant. Good stuff George.) The TV we got now doesn't broaden anyone's perceptions: it encloses them by giving us Caricatured and ugly versions of ourselves. These people on sitcoms do not talk about anything. there was no september 11th on Raymond, King of Queen's, any of these (as far as I know. I hate sitcoms.) Okay, when John Ritter died "8 Simple Rules..." came close to something. I saw that. But there is no War on terrorism on TV, there's no lamentations of "Four more years," No Social Security crisis. God damn nothing.

Anyhow, my point was that I've cut my supply of Electromagnetic Prozac and I'm doin okay. Manic as hell because I don't know where to start. I've never danced around this apartment so much as I have this last month. I'm getting all these things done that I care about and I'm excited about fuckin everything. I'm going to go buy a ticket and take a ride. I'll let you know as soon as I decide where to go.

where did it go?

I just added Steve's photoblog to my sidebar, but when I republished, my last post disappeared. Oh no! Where did it go? I promised my next post would not be about Dave. I still mean to keep that promise. I just wish I still had my last post.

Today I bought Rolling Stone Magazine for the tribute for Hunter S. Thompson. Actually I know very little about Hunter S. but not because I never wanted to. I've not really read much yet but I really enjoyed reading some of the snippits about him, especially a letter he wrote to Tom Wolfe. It begins like this: "You worthless scumsucking bastard!" And includes such gems as "You decadent pig. Where the fuck do you get the nerve to go around telling those...(I don't think I can say it)...that I'm crazy? You worthless cocksucker." and "...when I start talking about American writers & the name Tom Wolfe comes up, by god, you're going to wish you were born a fucking iguana!" "you thieving pile of albino warts" "I'll have your goddamn femurs ground into bone splinters" and it ends like this "...that the hammer of justice looms, and that your filthy white suit will become a flaming shroud! Sincerely, Hunter"

Dam, that's some great shit right there! That made me sad to not know him. Sincerely! I love it. I can't wait to get into this tribute for real. There's stuff by Johnny Depp, Benicio Del Toro, Sean Penn, Jack Nicholson and his son Juan. Reading the small amount that I did, reminded me of one of my favourite books, "Jack Kerouac - Selected Letters: 1940 - 1956". I loved reading those honest correspondences and apparently there are 3 volumes of letters by Hunter S. Thompson. I've got to find those!

Steve I love your audioblog, especially the latest picture with Dan on stage. hmmm. why did you never get into journalism?

later gators.

I own you...I like it.

I'm glad "what's his name" isn't reading my blog. It's so true, It would totally change my ability to be open. Someday he'll read all of what I wrote about him and love it. and love me. but right now it would feel unfair for him to have access to me when I don't have the same access to him.

steve would tell him just to get a blog. he'd probably be a good blogger. his ability to be open & honest would balance our dilemma out in no time at all.

Ever had one of those moments, in the early stages of a crush when you start to worry that he isn't 'as into you' as you are with him? and then he does something that makes it clear he is? i love those. special little thrill. getting ready to go home yesterday, after sending him our goodnight e-mail, and lamenting having not heard his voice all day, he called me. To say goodnight. he missed my voice.

aaah, boys.

Me like Big Daddy. I'm big, and you can call me daddy Anytime.

a poem that I wrote on St Patrick's Day @ my favourite Starbuck's

here I am, thinking
Wouldn't it be nice to write a poem?
wondering when...
if I'll see him tonight.
oh, Big Daddy,
your sweet little thing is waiting for you
been waiting,
no hating.
just waiting...
not for 'the one'
but Someone
who could grab my heart and say
look how we're the same.
Don't play me, beautiful
you can ask me anything,
I'll never lie to you
For someone I can believe!
pushing me, so very gentle
in forging this bond
Someone who knows my logic is a front
that I'm hiding my inner neurotic
as if it's a crime.
But this isn't a poem,
it hardly even rhymes!
Is the rhythm only in my imagination?
Are we only pretending to dance?
And do time and circumstance
trump the power of this almost romance
the words pour out of my heart
only now they rhyme.
Big daddy... when did that start?

Beware of run-on sentences in this post, i'm in a run-on kind of mood

all the small things first. I went to visit Chris at Sunrise to invite him to the St. Paddy's, and if you can believe it, he sold me 2 CD's. Jerk. I've been dying to buy this one: the Killers - Hot Fuss. I love this song "Mr. Bright Side" so much. It comes on and I have to dance. The other day I was getting dressed for work when it came on. It's 7:00 am and I'm thrashing away. Crazy. And it was 2 for $26 so I picked up 3 Doors Down because I like them okay (Although upon consideration, I may have been thinking of 3 Days Grace. Shoot.)

I'm hungry, but I'm not a fan of eating these days, if I had to be honest. My body's committing betrayal on a daily basis.

I've been very hyper, happy, upbeat this week. boys are good for your health.

It's weird when the boy you 'like,' who has a girlfriend and is going away to Cuba with her (I assume) in two weeks, tells you he 'likes' you back, but circumstances prevent your relationship from proceeding beyond the professional / friendship stage at this time. It's this weird psychological split for me. Before his feelings were expressed so explicitly, I knew he liked me but atleast we could just play and enjoy talking and the e-mailing (which is kind of getting out of hand right now...), and I could joke about how I had a big crush on him, and there wasn't this weight on everything. Now, it's under every sentence, behind every thought, and I have to think about how to say everything so he doesn't think I've got an agenda. (I don't.) And I'm sure for him it's the same, he doesn't want to say anything to hurt my feelings.

It's a pain in the ass to have someone fall in love with you. hmmmm. But it's interesting - once those feelings are on the table, even if you're not together and not going to be in the foreseeable future, your friendship becomes solidified and it's like you're stuck together in some way.

On the one hand I'm on a bit of a high, because "you think i'm gorgeous! you wanna kiss me!" but I'm so sad because I can't be with him. boo hoo... But what I love is this. He told me that he really believes in the long run his life will be better for having met me. And I'm the type of person he wants to keep in his life, in whatever capacity he can. Here's the thing about this crush. It's not overtly sexual or lusty (To be honest I'm not 100% sure I'd recognize him if I ran into him on the street. I know he's attractive but I only met him face to face once.) it's about this person who's heart and mind match mine. This person who pushed his way into my brain by giving me advice and not accepting pat answers and pursued a connection in a way I've never seen done before, except by me. He talks about the same things I talk about, we share a lot of the same social values, we even dig the same movies. He's giving and perceptive and accepting and empathic and compassionate and those are the things I like in people, not just guys. dude, where did you come from? {and he's not reading this, anyone's wondering.}

Do you want to hear the worst joke ever, he started an e-mail with this: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to write this without using semi-colons. If you ask me, they're a cancer.

Well, nobody's perfect.

updates...

It's funny because for the last few days I've been reviewing my old posts. Somewhat in light of a certain someone who's never read my blog but if he ever did, what would he think. I've seen my life in a new light recently which is what prompted my new description and a bit of an overhaul of things. But I didn't delete any of my old posts - I could not do that, even the embarassing ones.

- I've still never bought the Quantum Leap Season 1 DVD
- I still 'heart' Wil Wheaton - who was on CSI last week: so awesome!
- I still go through major periods where I can't stand going to work
- Nobody from work knows about my blog so I can talk brutally honestly
- Oddly enough I only write about half of the things I think about (what happened to Agreements 3 and 4, right?)
- I haven't talked to Jac in ages - are you still reading, Jac?
- my posts are still too long
- There are a lot of things I want to accomplish, and usually I don't even know where to start

That's it for now. Tell me, what do you think?

I don' t have a crush on him. I don't have a crush on him. I don't...

So in an e-mail to a 'new' friend today, I alluded to my current personal crisis I expressed that I was having a hard day and really feeling down about my life. I was pretty brief and I think he knows I wasn't trying to whine, but my new pal saw where I was coming from and decided he wanted to help. so he proceeded to write back with some words of wisdom.

I dare you to not fall in love with him - I hope he doesn't mind me quoting him
***************************************************
...whats the problem?

The usual feeling like you should be at some certain level that you don't feel like you've yet achieved? Hey man, that happens to the best of us...no matter what level of success we achieve...its engrained in us to want more...to think bigger...and therefore find it very hard to be happy with what you've got.

The trick is to find the things that do bring you some
joy in life...and focus on them. It doesn't hurt to keep an eye on the less fortunate or even the "what ifs" about the things you have achieved to date. The worst thing you can do is set yourself a timeline...goals are fantastic...but timelines set you up for disappointment.

You're a fantastic girl, with a great head on your shoulders and a compassionate and empathetic heart. I personally find those things to be the biggest achievements in life...and the keys to keeping you happy...the longest. Theres a difference between the things that can give you a solid foundation of well being, and the things that can make you happy immediately, but temporarily. A nice car is great, a beautiful house is fantastic, having some money in the bank always works...but they can easily be taken from you in the blink of an eye with one regretful decision. Then what? Everything you based your happiness on is gone...and you're left miserable and empty? No thanks.

A compassionate heart can never be taken from you...and thats exactly the kind of thing that will attract the people you want to be around, whether in a romantic sense or not. The ones attracted to the material will be gone as fast as the car and house.

You have the keys to occupy your mind in a constructive way...you just have to understand what it is you need to focus on. I believe that, with a good heart and the right efforts, everything else will fall
into place accordingly.
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These are seriously wise words, and it's so great to meet someone with such a giving nature. And he has such a lovely opinion of me from knowing me only a short time. I only hope he keeps thinking so highly of me. The words we say - or write - have impact. But I don't know where anyone would have gotten the idea that I have a huge killer crush on him. that's just silly!

All the things my friends won' t let me say

Sorry guys, but enough is enough. I can't fake it anymore. I'm so tired of editing myself because of my readership, why bother having a blog if I'm not going to be honest.

I'm sad. I'm overwhelmed. I feel lost, exhausted, defeated. {Tomorrow, I'll feel different, I'm sure. I'll figure out a way to think about everything so it's okay and I'll feel like I have the energy to take it on soon enough. But right now, like it or not, life is harder than I can take.} My life is nowhere near what it was supposed to be. And worse, it shows no prospect of getting much closer to my vision any time soon. I'm an underpaid, overworked Customer Service Representative in an industry that bores me to tears. I always thought I'd be "somebody" but I'm really quite a nobody. And recently, while carrying my Adbusters with me on the bus in my Gap bag, while drinking my Starbucks Latte, I came to the horrifying realization that I am a Brand Whore. I spend more time watching TV than I do reading, doing my research on the web, taking care of business, listening to music, and most everything in my life that I actually value. I'm feeling overweight and unattractive, but God forbid I actually express that feeling before I'm beaten into submission by well meaning pals who tell me I shouldn't feel that way. Yeah, I shouldn't feel this way but I do. I'm such a spoiled brat. really someone should just put me out of my misery. and the piece de resistance a la my biological clock ticking...I'm single with very little hope of finding my prince charming any time soon. I want to be a mommy and a wife but I'm still someone's roommate. not that being someone's roommate isn't fantastic, I love it. And most of the time I'm not in a rush to change the situation, but the problem is I'm really feeling hopeless on this whole marriage thing, if I'm going to put it bluntly. If It felt like this chapter was going to come to a close at a reasonable and predetermined time and roll naturally into the next one I'd be happy to continue on as is for, like another year or two even. But it's no longer looking like that's the way it's going to play out. It's not promising, I guess is what I mean.

I'm honestly starting to think that what's required is something drastic. Like a move to a new place where I have to start over again might be in order. Maybe a city where the cost of living is significantly lower so I can really save up for school or to start my business. Some kind of really swift kick in my ass is required. To be honest I don't think I need to move for that. I think I got that today.

alright, I guess I've bitched and complained long enough. go ahead, kick my ass for being negative. I can take it, it's just what you do. I was practically begging for it anyway.

i'm thick tho i'm havin thum thoup.

chicken noodle soup when you're sick. green tea with mint and honey. i still feel like death warmed over.

this one time, last week, roommate and i were watching tv and having dinner i think, and somehow i got into this thing where i kept saying "i'm gonna have some Thoup" (meaning soup, right?) and it was driving her nuts and she said if you say it one more time, i'm gonna kick your ass. so i said it again, and do you know what that crazy broad did? she kicked me in the ass! I could not believe it. I was so proud of her! I laughed so hard. that girl kicked me in the ass! and this other time, last week too, she beat me up with a pillow. can you believe that shit? freaking chick. but that really hurt and she felt bad. it was funny.

good stories eh? so i'm sick. i said that already, right? there was just a fire alarm in the building and it was so loud i can't even believe it. So I got my butt dressed and hauled it down the 10 flights of stairs - which was so great for my throat, making it dry like sandpaper or sum'n - outside to walk the 8 minutes in the blustery windy cold - which was great for my ears which actually were longing for the peace and tranquility of the fire alarm 12 feet away from my head - to the grocery store so i could stand in front of the cold remedies section for 10 minutes trying to figure out what to buy, get some OJ and walk back in the blustery windy cold for the 8 minutes back home to find that the firemen and their trucks have left but the alarm is still intermittently wailing, so I sat in the lobby for a few minutes cause the elevators were very busy and i didn't want to cough all over a bunch of really cute kids and their dad's clean laundry. i feel like kaka. how is it that these alarms, which are actually constant, seem to change in frequency, volume etc., so that it gets progressively worse and worse?

and then it stops. peace and quiet, right? maybe. but really the knowledge that any second now it could start again. I want my mommy. And thum more thoup.

As if life didn't suck enough...

now Luke and Lorelai have broken up too.

If you're looking for me, I'll be tied up across the train tracks waiting for sweet death. There's just no point anymore.

click here to read kristy's post about the Noam Chomsky lecture

Kristy had to blog about this lecture the night she attended it. It set her on fire. And now I understand why. It's playing on TVOntario right now, I'm in the middle of the Question and Answer period and I could not wait.

He made a comment about Grassroots political movements, changes made due to valid electoral options, using the example of Brazil. Making the point that the people of Brazil have to suffer brutal issues on a daily basis. They deal with hunger, mind-boggling poverty and of course the fear of violent crimes. (I don't know much about what life is like in Brazil, but I know it's nothing like life in Canada or the US.) Why did the people rise up against political oppression there, but Canadians and Americans don't do it? Well because we North Americans aren't really aware of how they Are manipulated. like Kristy said, the people who sell toothpaste are more responsible for who gets elected than the actual men who run for election. I was reading somewhere the other day that we wouldn't have people like Ghandi if there was no oppression and racism. Maybe it's because we have been so manipulated that we are 'comfortably numb' so to speak. Nothing really bad happens on a wide scale for us to rise up against on a wide scale. There are small pockets but like Chomsky himself just said on my TV, "The Elephant gets what it wants".

Just a thought.

Canada and The International Criminal Court.

This is the place to go if you want to know What Canada is doing to change the world So I have some homework to do, now I've found my research tools.

Lisa - thanks for the inspiration!

what kind of world is it...

when people can describe the latest hollywood breakup as "the truth behind the shocking brad and jennifer breakup"

just whatever. Go read Steve's blog.

The Second Agreement - Don't Take Anything Personally

what, you mean it's not all about me? like, that other people are living whole, real lives just like me, and they aren't simply revolving around me, for me?

"You take it personally because you agree with whatever was said. As soon as you agree, the poison goes through you, and you are trapped in the dream of hell. What causes you to be trapped is what we call personal importance. Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about "me." During the period of our education, or our domestication, we learn to take everything personally. We think we are responsibel for everything. Me, me, me, always me!

"Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselfes. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completley differint world form the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is inour world, and we try to impose our world on their world.

"Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly , it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds. Their point of view comes from all the programming they received during domestication." (pages 48-49, The Four Agreements).

So we re-program ourselves. And we choose not to let other programs affect, change, blur, ruin our new programs. Life keeps getting better as we constantly increase the quality of our "thought life". Stephen Covey says, in the 8th habit, that when someone is insecure because "they don't have their deep internal act together seek their security from sources outside themselves. Because they're codependent with their environment, they engage in ... destructive, cancerous behaviors."

When we take it personally, we internalize poisonous emotions. This causes us to act in ways that can harm or even destroy our relationships. I've been learning these lessons for years. We are never finished programming ourselves, and we can be inspired by our loved ones. The idea of internalizing was taught to me by Dan a few years ago and really helped me change directions. We do that for each other!

The Four Agreements Or What I did over the Christmas Vacation

While I was in Waterloo visiting my mom, I was not provided with very much time to watch soap operas, which was one down side to my trip. yesterday I was allowed to watch most of a TEN hour marathon of The Dead Zone on Space channel (sci-fi geek out major!) and so I forgave her. That was totally fun. We went shopping ALOT. My brother was with us for a few days but he was totally bored by our shopping so he came home early. But it was a really good time for all of us. And while I was away I read this book: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, which was a gift from Kimberley last Christmas. And so, now, my book report. Well, not really. But here you go, The First Agreement.

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word - Speak with Integrity. Say only what you mean. The author basically shows that the latin root of impeccable means without sin. Our words express our will, our deepest heart, the core of who we are. And we can change our thoughts as we watch what we say - out loud and in our head - because what we say is what we think.

Here is a quote: "Religions talk about sin and sinners, but let's understand what it really means to sin. A sin is anything that you do which goes against yourself. Everything you feel or believe or say that goes against yourself is a sin. You go against yourself when you judge or blame yourself for anything. Being without sin is exactly the opposite. Being impeccable is not going against yourself. When you are impeccable, you take responsibility for your actions, but you do not judge or blame yourself."

He says later, in another part that when we judge ourself we have to punish ourself because clearly, we are not perfect. When we are not impeccable with the words we use we can affect others deeply - we can be hurtful and cruel and poison their experience and relationship with us. This applies to gossipping and just being thoughtless like calling someone a name.

The Full Name of this Book Is The Four Agreements, A Toltec Wisdom Book. A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. There's quite a bit of background provided on Toltec Wisdom. The idea is that our life is a dream of our making, and that we have the ability to make it heaven or hell. That through "Domestication" (the process of being socialized in our particular and special society) the majority of humans have produced a hell, basically because they have failed to notice that it's in their power to change it. No matter what happens to us we have the ability to choose heaven or hell.

Anwar al Sadat said "He who cannot change the very fabric of his thought will never be able to change reality, and will never therefore make any progress." This is from a man who would know. He changed the course of human history by changing his mind. whew, I get choked up just thinking about this man (who was interestingly enough, assassinated on the very day my brother was born).

Next Time: The Second Agreement - Don't Take Anything Personally (or like I always like to say, It's not all about you!) I am also now reading "The 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness. Finding Your Voice and Inspiring Others to Find Theirs" So I will be having a lot to say.

Good luck on your first "day" on the job Matt! I love you!