Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride

I don't even effing care if that's the most oft quoted Hunter S. Thompson line ever. I'm diggin it. Johnny Depp didn't seem to mind using it in his tribute, so fuck you.

I'm so manically wannabe inspired. For real. I'm so easily inspired. But I lack the energy to stay that way, that's my real problem. So what I really want is to just always fucking do it all anyway. The life I want. The ticket is in my hand. I'm too tired to get on the train? I'm too tired? enough I say. Goddamn enough is enough. I'm not gonna wait for some stupid boy (who never turns out to be what I think anyway) to come along and inspire me. To come along and take me on a ride. It's my fucking ride. Some time soon, a boy is going to come along and maybe we'll ride together. anyway, if there's one thing i hate is mixed metaphors so I need to stop before i get myself in trouble. (Listen, for all who are wondrin, no nothing bad happened with big daddy. But come on, the damned thing is doomed before - if - it ever gets started. let's be real. I'm not just going to sit around and wait for him to shatter me. I'm no china doll.)

You know what's changed lately? Since I had a bit of a breakdown (see: "all the things my friends won't let me say" if you don't remember it) I've turned off that goddamned TV like 95% of the time. Been listening to music a lot and shit but the only TV I watch regularly is The Hour with my boyfriend George Stroumboulopoulos and the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. On Thursday, George was lamenting the state of television, reminiscing to a time when All in the Family was on and really made a difference. I got teared up. All in the Family, M*A*S*H and other TV back then really expanded people's perceptions by opening up avenues they might not otherwise have been available to them. I think George said this, but I've said this for so long: the last good show we had was Roseanne. (Why I love George: News the way I would broadcast it. Get out of my head dude!) Now it's Everybody Loves Raymond. (George: "well, not everybody..." fekking brilliant. Good stuff George.) The TV we got now doesn't broaden anyone's perceptions: it encloses them by giving us Caricatured and ugly versions of ourselves. These people on sitcoms do not talk about anything. there was no september 11th on Raymond, King of Queen's, any of these (as far as I know. I hate sitcoms.) Okay, when John Ritter died "8 Simple Rules..." came close to something. I saw that. But there is no War on terrorism on TV, there's no lamentations of "Four more years," No Social Security crisis. God damn nothing.

Anyhow, my point was that I've cut my supply of Electromagnetic Prozac and I'm doin okay. Manic as hell because I don't know where to start. I've never danced around this apartment so much as I have this last month. I'm getting all these things done that I care about and I'm excited about fuckin everything. I'm going to go buy a ticket and take a ride. I'll let you know as soon as I decide where to go.

where did it go?

I just added Steve's photoblog to my sidebar, but when I republished, my last post disappeared. Oh no! Where did it go? I promised my next post would not be about Dave. I still mean to keep that promise. I just wish I still had my last post.

Today I bought Rolling Stone Magazine for the tribute for Hunter S. Thompson. Actually I know very little about Hunter S. but not because I never wanted to. I've not really read much yet but I really enjoyed reading some of the snippits about him, especially a letter he wrote to Tom Wolfe. It begins like this: "You worthless scumsucking bastard!" And includes such gems as "You decadent pig. Where the fuck do you get the nerve to go around telling those...(I don't think I can say it)...that I'm crazy? You worthless cocksucker." and "...when I start talking about American writers & the name Tom Wolfe comes up, by god, you're going to wish you were born a fucking iguana!" "you thieving pile of albino warts" "I'll have your goddamn femurs ground into bone splinters" and it ends like this "...that the hammer of justice looms, and that your filthy white suit will become a flaming shroud! Sincerely, Hunter"

Dam, that's some great shit right there! That made me sad to not know him. Sincerely! I love it. I can't wait to get into this tribute for real. There's stuff by Johnny Depp, Benicio Del Toro, Sean Penn, Jack Nicholson and his son Juan. Reading the small amount that I did, reminded me of one of my favourite books, "Jack Kerouac - Selected Letters: 1940 - 1956". I loved reading those honest correspondences and apparently there are 3 volumes of letters by Hunter S. Thompson. I've got to find those!

Steve I love your audioblog, especially the latest picture with Dan on stage. hmmm. why did you never get into journalism?

later gators.

I own you...I like it.

I'm glad "what's his name" isn't reading my blog. It's so true, It would totally change my ability to be open. Someday he'll read all of what I wrote about him and love it. and love me. but right now it would feel unfair for him to have access to me when I don't have the same access to him.

steve would tell him just to get a blog. he'd probably be a good blogger. his ability to be open & honest would balance our dilemma out in no time at all.

Ever had one of those moments, in the early stages of a crush when you start to worry that he isn't 'as into you' as you are with him? and then he does something that makes it clear he is? i love those. special little thrill. getting ready to go home yesterday, after sending him our goodnight e-mail, and lamenting having not heard his voice all day, he called me. To say goodnight. he missed my voice.

aaah, boys.

Me like Big Daddy. I'm big, and you can call me daddy Anytime.

a poem that I wrote on St Patrick's Day @ my favourite Starbuck's

here I am, thinking
Wouldn't it be nice to write a poem?
wondering when...
if I'll see him tonight.
oh, Big Daddy,
your sweet little thing is waiting for you
been waiting,
no hating.
just waiting...
not for 'the one'
but Someone
who could grab my heart and say
look how we're the same.
Don't play me, beautiful
you can ask me anything,
I'll never lie to you
For someone I can believe!
pushing me, so very gentle
in forging this bond
Someone who knows my logic is a front
that I'm hiding my inner neurotic
as if it's a crime.
But this isn't a poem,
it hardly even rhymes!
Is the rhythm only in my imagination?
Are we only pretending to dance?
And do time and circumstance
trump the power of this almost romance
the words pour out of my heart
only now they rhyme.
Big daddy... when did that start?

Beware of run-on sentences in this post, i'm in a run-on kind of mood

all the small things first. I went to visit Chris at Sunrise to invite him to the St. Paddy's, and if you can believe it, he sold me 2 CD's. Jerk. I've been dying to buy this one: the Killers - Hot Fuss. I love this song "Mr. Bright Side" so much. It comes on and I have to dance. The other day I was getting dressed for work when it came on. It's 7:00 am and I'm thrashing away. Crazy. And it was 2 for $26 so I picked up 3 Doors Down because I like them okay (Although upon consideration, I may have been thinking of 3 Days Grace. Shoot.)

I'm hungry, but I'm not a fan of eating these days, if I had to be honest. My body's committing betrayal on a daily basis.

I've been very hyper, happy, upbeat this week. boys are good for your health.

It's weird when the boy you 'like,' who has a girlfriend and is going away to Cuba with her (I assume) in two weeks, tells you he 'likes' you back, but circumstances prevent your relationship from proceeding beyond the professional / friendship stage at this time. It's this weird psychological split for me. Before his feelings were expressed so explicitly, I knew he liked me but atleast we could just play and enjoy talking and the e-mailing (which is kind of getting out of hand right now...), and I could joke about how I had a big crush on him, and there wasn't this weight on everything. Now, it's under every sentence, behind every thought, and I have to think about how to say everything so he doesn't think I've got an agenda. (I don't.) And I'm sure for him it's the same, he doesn't want to say anything to hurt my feelings.

It's a pain in the ass to have someone fall in love with you. hmmmm. But it's interesting - once those feelings are on the table, even if you're not together and not going to be in the foreseeable future, your friendship becomes solidified and it's like you're stuck together in some way.

On the one hand I'm on a bit of a high, because "you think i'm gorgeous! you wanna kiss me!" but I'm so sad because I can't be with him. boo hoo... But what I love is this. He told me that he really believes in the long run his life will be better for having met me. And I'm the type of person he wants to keep in his life, in whatever capacity he can. Here's the thing about this crush. It's not overtly sexual or lusty (To be honest I'm not 100% sure I'd recognize him if I ran into him on the street. I know he's attractive but I only met him face to face once.) it's about this person who's heart and mind match mine. This person who pushed his way into my brain by giving me advice and not accepting pat answers and pursued a connection in a way I've never seen done before, except by me. He talks about the same things I talk about, we share a lot of the same social values, we even dig the same movies. He's giving and perceptive and accepting and empathic and compassionate and those are the things I like in people, not just guys. dude, where did you come from? {and he's not reading this, anyone's wondering.}

Do you want to hear the worst joke ever, he started an e-mail with this: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to write this without using semi-colons. If you ask me, they're a cancer.

Well, nobody's perfect.

updates...

It's funny because for the last few days I've been reviewing my old posts. Somewhat in light of a certain someone who's never read my blog but if he ever did, what would he think. I've seen my life in a new light recently which is what prompted my new description and a bit of an overhaul of things. But I didn't delete any of my old posts - I could not do that, even the embarassing ones.

- I've still never bought the Quantum Leap Season 1 DVD
- I still 'heart' Wil Wheaton - who was on CSI last week: so awesome!
- I still go through major periods where I can't stand going to work
- Nobody from work knows about my blog so I can talk brutally honestly
- Oddly enough I only write about half of the things I think about (what happened to Agreements 3 and 4, right?)
- I haven't talked to Jac in ages - are you still reading, Jac?
- my posts are still too long
- There are a lot of things I want to accomplish, and usually I don't even know where to start

That's it for now. Tell me, what do you think?

I don' t have a crush on him. I don't have a crush on him. I don't...

So in an e-mail to a 'new' friend today, I alluded to my current personal crisis I expressed that I was having a hard day and really feeling down about my life. I was pretty brief and I think he knows I wasn't trying to whine, but my new pal saw where I was coming from and decided he wanted to help. so he proceeded to write back with some words of wisdom.

I dare you to not fall in love with him - I hope he doesn't mind me quoting him
***************************************************
...whats the problem?

The usual feeling like you should be at some certain level that you don't feel like you've yet achieved? Hey man, that happens to the best of us...no matter what level of success we achieve...its engrained in us to want more...to think bigger...and therefore find it very hard to be happy with what you've got.

The trick is to find the things that do bring you some
joy in life...and focus on them. It doesn't hurt to keep an eye on the less fortunate or even the "what ifs" about the things you have achieved to date. The worst thing you can do is set yourself a timeline...goals are fantastic...but timelines set you up for disappointment.

You're a fantastic girl, with a great head on your shoulders and a compassionate and empathetic heart. I personally find those things to be the biggest achievements in life...and the keys to keeping you happy...the longest. Theres a difference between the things that can give you a solid foundation of well being, and the things that can make you happy immediately, but temporarily. A nice car is great, a beautiful house is fantastic, having some money in the bank always works...but they can easily be taken from you in the blink of an eye with one regretful decision. Then what? Everything you based your happiness on is gone...and you're left miserable and empty? No thanks.

A compassionate heart can never be taken from you...and thats exactly the kind of thing that will attract the people you want to be around, whether in a romantic sense or not. The ones attracted to the material will be gone as fast as the car and house.

You have the keys to occupy your mind in a constructive way...you just have to understand what it is you need to focus on. I believe that, with a good heart and the right efforts, everything else will fall
into place accordingly.
****************************************
These are seriously wise words, and it's so great to meet someone with such a giving nature. And he has such a lovely opinion of me from knowing me only a short time. I only hope he keeps thinking so highly of me. The words we say - or write - have impact. But I don't know where anyone would have gotten the idea that I have a huge killer crush on him. that's just silly!

All the things my friends won' t let me say

Sorry guys, but enough is enough. I can't fake it anymore. I'm so tired of editing myself because of my readership, why bother having a blog if I'm not going to be honest.

I'm sad. I'm overwhelmed. I feel lost, exhausted, defeated. {Tomorrow, I'll feel different, I'm sure. I'll figure out a way to think about everything so it's okay and I'll feel like I have the energy to take it on soon enough. But right now, like it or not, life is harder than I can take.} My life is nowhere near what it was supposed to be. And worse, it shows no prospect of getting much closer to my vision any time soon. I'm an underpaid, overworked Customer Service Representative in an industry that bores me to tears. I always thought I'd be "somebody" but I'm really quite a nobody. And recently, while carrying my Adbusters with me on the bus in my Gap bag, while drinking my Starbucks Latte, I came to the horrifying realization that I am a Brand Whore. I spend more time watching TV than I do reading, doing my research on the web, taking care of business, listening to music, and most everything in my life that I actually value. I'm feeling overweight and unattractive, but God forbid I actually express that feeling before I'm beaten into submission by well meaning pals who tell me I shouldn't feel that way. Yeah, I shouldn't feel this way but I do. I'm such a spoiled brat. really someone should just put me out of my misery. and the piece de resistance a la my biological clock ticking...I'm single with very little hope of finding my prince charming any time soon. I want to be a mommy and a wife but I'm still someone's roommate. not that being someone's roommate isn't fantastic, I love it. And most of the time I'm not in a rush to change the situation, but the problem is I'm really feeling hopeless on this whole marriage thing, if I'm going to put it bluntly. If It felt like this chapter was going to come to a close at a reasonable and predetermined time and roll naturally into the next one I'd be happy to continue on as is for, like another year or two even. But it's no longer looking like that's the way it's going to play out. It's not promising, I guess is what I mean.

I'm honestly starting to think that what's required is something drastic. Like a move to a new place where I have to start over again might be in order. Maybe a city where the cost of living is significantly lower so I can really save up for school or to start my business. Some kind of really swift kick in my ass is required. To be honest I don't think I need to move for that. I think I got that today.

alright, I guess I've bitched and complained long enough. go ahead, kick my ass for being negative. I can take it, it's just what you do. I was practically begging for it anyway.