It always energizes me to go down to the beaches to see my old friends, I never know who I'll end up having a really phenomenal heart to heart with. I never know who will turn up at one of these BBQ's which usually turn out to have a very Reunion-ish feel to them - sometimes just by the very fact that I'm there which is really rare. Melissa has a new boyfriend, and He's Not Graham... thank god. This is the sweetest little girl on the planet and for over a year she was living with one of the most mean spirited, hateful bastards I've ever had the misfortune to meet. So I did not get much time to bond with her because she was tangled up in him all evening. But he's really lovely. And in the same vein, Helen (R.) dropped by with a new boyfriend also - I don't think she's known him long but they just seemed to be in sync in such a beautiful way. And this girl who has always been awkward and sad (but honest and compassionate) looked so happy and quiet, with true inner peace instead of the old discomfort like she could never get comfortable in her own skin. I wanted to cry from joy to see her like that. The other Helen and Robynne were there too, before I got there. Derek (still hot) and his girlfriend (don't hate her anymore) were there for a few hours and it was really cool to watch their interaction, they've been living together for years and you can really tell. Also she brought up how she plays beach volleyball once a week and totally got me talking about big daddy and for that I earned an earful of advice. Basically, two months from now if we're still talking and nothings changed but we still "dig" each other I should start asking about the gf and begin waging a campaign of heavy artillery. so not my style, but it was fun to pretend i could actually do such things. intentionally take action to break them up. according to derek's girl they don't live together so there's no real commitment. Well, we all have different ideas about commitment I guess...
Around midnight, I made the mistake of thinking the party was winding down so I sat down on the kitchen floor with ryan and embarked on a lovely chat, to which helen joined shortly. And just as she was about to open up her chest and pull her heart out for us to examine, who should arrive but - yes, you guessed it BUTLER! And the other Ryan who is working on his first film which butler is helping him with. They had had a long day of shooting and finally felt up to joining the party. oh butler. does that man know how to hug or what. I could have stood there all night having him hold me like that. Yes, I did say I was over him. And I am. but that doesn't mean I don't love him. when you love someone you don't stop just because you don't still fantasize about your future relationship (never going to happen) and you hardly spend any time reliving those perfect moments you spent with them. So we spent some time talking about the stresses he's dealing with trying to get his films distributed and then about my future plans... "what are you going to go to school for?" "I don't quite know yet, but I'll decide. just something Artsy." "Don't you think you should figure it out first?" And I just love that. I explained the background of how I've never made a decision of what to do because I was afraid to choose wrong. And you know, I could do anything, (You could! I know you could!) so once I've made that decision I'll be happy just to be on the way. He still has that same wide eyed appreciation for me and my abilities and potential, and he's not afraid to kick my ass when he know's I tend to let it waste out of fear. he once told me (we were lamenting the state of television and in particular the dire lack of good, hip sitcoms) that I should write the next "Fresh Prince of Belair." {Do you know what big daddy said to me early last week? He said "I'm no expert, but I believe that you could do anything you want to.... But you actually have to get off your ass and do something to make it happen." I said, "I beg to differ, you just proved to be a certified Kristin Expert." He is saying shit all the time which really shows that same awe and admiration. borderline devotion.}
Lots of great things happened tonight, lots that was weird and ridiculous and silly and crazy... like the 19 year old boy (god is he ever cute) who kept kissing me and holding me and quoting napoleon dynamite and doing his chewbacca impression to impress me... I mean he is really cute. But so young. and thin! He's in high school. oh my gosh, a high school boy totally flirted with me. (Shut up Stephanie, I'm not a fucking cougar.) Okay, he flirted with just about everyone but still. that was so fun. And Butler totally shared his beer with me, and the whole time we sat together, and when we hugged good night (three of us had walked to his place and were dropping him off) he did not want to let go. count: that's two. yeah. butler hugged me twice. yeah.
the boys we love and that really love us, even if they are not the one we will eventually marry and make babies with, they teach us what we deserve, what we want, what we need. they help us learn who we are. The rest may hurt us, or wound us deeply, scar us, and sometimes change us irrevocably. I wish we could tell which one a boy is going to be before we take the journey with them. Because the men who've hurt me, wounded me, damaged me, they didn't teach me any lessons I actually wanted or needed to learn. I'm still healing, and one thing that really helps me is to think about butler, big daddy and some very significant others, and the way they make me feel, who I am because of them, who I want to be for someone very much like any and all of them.
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10 comments:
You are such a COUGER!!!!! and you know it Kris.
but don't worry I still love ya, at least you're getting some action, unlike me!
It was awesome, at lunch with Steve, I saw my hottie manager, he looked suprised to see me there and yet almost like he wanted to stop and talk.
You are a wonderful couger Kristen, see you tonight!!!
arrrr. A cougar is defined as a woman in her late 30's to 40's who is financially established and affluent, who embarks on purely physical relationships with younger unestablished men in exchange for financial support and networking assistance to boost his career. I am an (almost) 29 year old customer service rep with credit card debt and who can barely pay her bills every month. Do you see the difference? I sure do. And I don't ever plan on being a cougar either. quit it, Gaaaawsh! frikkin idiot...
my mom almost qualifies as a cougar.. but only with the age thing. she is going after the young ones... her and I could be dating guys the same age! LOL. it's so sad it's funny :P
I absolutely love your last paragraph. it is so true.. I think I might steal the concept and write my own post about it. thanks! haha.
smooches :)
One thing I definitely got from my relationship with Butler was how he always pushed- pushed me to be a better person both for my own well being and to move forward and be the best I could be in whatever I did. He praised and challenged me. And it's true, those are the people that can hurt you the most because they're the ones that see beyond any walls we could possibly construct around ourselves, they see our souls.
Jones, my advice wildly differs about Big Daddy.. but I shall keep it to myself.
About the 19yr old.. haha! Go KLJ...haha
Raaawwrr cougar
jk kitty
"I wish we could tell which one a boy is going to be before we take the journey with them."
Sometimes life is so unreal
movies and music from the 60's out has left us so fucked
I'm intrigued, sj, as to what your advice on bd might be. not that i'll listen. "get over him" "forget about him" "let it die". but I don't want to! and those are just the things I tell myself. not one single person has voiced anything along those lines to me yet.
anyway, I have no intention of taking derek's gf's advice. I couldn't if I wanted to.
Jac and I have been talking a lot about this lately, these impossible relationships, what it is that motivates us, what we get from them. those are interesting chats. I worry, though, am I going to have as much to give when "the right/available guy" comes along? ugh. no more thinky.
Kristin... I think I've just made a small revelation and it's a common thread I'm starting to see in both of us... we see the little things, the details, the stuff that passes a lot of people by- the people wrapped up in themselves- but it's these little glimpses of unexpected greatness inside these extremely flawed 'boys' that both of us want to nurture and expose because we realize the potential within those 'boys' to be amazing people but it's not something within our capacity to actually do- we can just stand to the side and provide the clues so that the 'boys' can come to that realization on their own, learn the capacity within themselves to be more. We can't ignite the spark, only supply the fuel- in a way it's what butler I think did for both of us and it's difficult because we both expect to see this immediate transformation but it's slow and gradual and I think in both our situations we have to walk and away and hope our seeds take root in their minds and that if our roads again cross in the future we will be rewarded with a glimpse of that greatness that we helped spark within them.
fuckin right. and we want them to be butler part 2, or something like that. I want to find the guy who can affect me like that AND wants to stick around "awhile."
okay, now anyone reading thinks we're both psycho. we need to stop thinking about him and making everything a comparison because the reality is most guys out there don't measure up... because the butler we're talking about is actually a creation (or two) in our imaginations...is he not?
that's the real crux of the issue tho... bubba wasn't "all that" either, It was me that was ready to be affected, inspired, moved, just like with big daddy, just like with anyone i've ever majorly crushed on.
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