So today I'm going to just publish random thoughts... I'll keep this window open all day and type stuff in as I think of it.
Last night I got my air conditioner installed, and it was so nice it made the apartment so cool. Then this morning I discovered that my living room was flooded. So I had to unplug it, knowing that today would be the hottest day of the week. Didn't have time to clean any of it or even get a pail, couldn't get ahold of my work to tell anyone I'd be late so I had to leave it.
Also when I got home from work and signed into messenger, bd was still online... so we started chatting, and it was so weird to be at home talking to him. really weird.
I don't know if you know this about me, but I hate ambiguity. without ambivelance, I hate hate hate it.
What I also don't like is that I still have the same problems as I did a year ago, and probably a lot longer. I've grown and evolved but not as much as I thought. Not as much as I wanted to. Or not in the areas I wanted to. It's still on me to 'get off my ass and do something' as bd said months ago. It's up to me how I grow, where I go. You see?
The problem is that I don't hate my job. I hate lots of things about my job. Like the pay, the location, the ambiguity of my position and the structure of the company. I love a lot of the people I work with, I like my vendors and my customers... I like the challenges and the opportunity to grow beyond people's expectations. I hate, though, that there are people who have low expectations of me, have no idea how hard I work and how dedicated I am. I hate that there' s a guy who thinks it's appropriate to come beside me and sift through all my papers and ask me questions... never mind the context of the paper... it could be 4 months old and I'm filing but he starts up like it's a new order... has so and so ordered? and he has absolutley no idea of the details of the company's activities. What shortages I'm facing, how many phone calls, emails I have to return, how many orders and POs I have to process, if I'm having trouble lining up transportation, he wants me to stop and tell him all the orders I've gotten so far. I could just print a report, but he's turned that offer down. It's so irksome that because I sit at reception people treat my desk as a fucking lounge... it's not like I'm on the phone and it's not like I have a kajillion details to take on at any given moment and it's not like I could use the peace and quiet.
But. Then there's the person I love working with the most, who is back from holiday after a week and a half... the VP Ops who is so amiable, flexible, the most cooperative person I've ever met. He always maintains a sense of quiet, he knows how to talk to people respectfully and get his shit done effectively at the same time. And he relies on me. He sees me and he's suitably impressed by all the thing's other people miss because they're so busy looking for the worst in people. He'd have made an awesome starbuck's manager.
So would I have. I still regret not going for that. I still could. Tell me... opinions? I've been waffling on this one since christmas... someone kick my ass over to one side or the other! yes, jac, I mean you too.
I should close this mutha out now before it gets too long.
randomly yours,
Kristin
5 comments:
honestly... about the sb's manager thing, I don't doubt that you *could* do it however I think somewhere deep inside you don't want it... I can't really expound on that much 'cept to say that if it was truly where you did see yourself then you would have stayed and made it happen when you were there instead of walking away entirely at the time no matter how horrible the situation was. But that's just my take...
As for your kick in the ass, well all I can say is that you need to find some way to exploit the creativity you have within you in a professional way. Do I know what that may be- not a clue. But it's out there somewhere you just have to close your eyes to find it- no use looking outwards, it's inside you man.
Jac.
btw my latest- B. actually called me last night and agreed we do need to sit down and chat... now if only I believed I could easily say all that I have to say- why do I always have problems speaking up when the issue matters most?
I fully agree with JAC about the SB thing. Yes you could do it EASILY but Kristin.. it didn't feel like you, it was just what was available not what was best..
;)
I was so good at that job. but their was a major wasting of potential, and the money stank. management would have been better. the thing is do I really want to have to clean floors? bathrooms? deal with the special species of asshole that make up the mass populous that is the district managers?
what I miss is the team part. the synergy (sorry for the buzz word but there really is nothing close) we had... most of the time, except for the rare times when weird personal drama interfered. Well it was rare for me. the 'double-barring,' the close, the open... you know. the tasks sucked but the shared experience was awesome.
you know what else I miss, was training the new guys. making them feel welcome, and confident. I miss my nickname which was the sweetheart of the store. I was really going through my zen buddhist jesus phase and I never got upset about anything. Even the shit certain authority figures tried to throw at me. Well anyway, the new guys loved me. Pretty much everyone loved me. And I loved pretty much everyone.
What I'm learning is that just because you love some people at a company doesn't mean it's the right place for you. For real when I get back I'm just going to send my resume to every job I see. enoughzenuff.
out.
kj.
I think really - if you want me to kick your ass - ONE thing is for sure, you dont like where you are. So you need to make a decision and stick to it, letting nothing get in your way - like being unmotivated. You need to keep your goal in mind (whatever that may be) and persue it until its yours.
Sincerely,
Roomie
ps are you still gonna call me roomie when i move out - i am starting to like it?
Kristin... you can use B's LJ for inspiration... he posted his goals as they stand right now, right there in the open. They're real now and his friends know it too so they can't help but motivate him with them. That's not to say they won't change but they're right there, formed words for the world to see and they've taken hold.
Jac.
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