Monday, June 27, 2005

this one's for the boys

Dear boys,

You know who you are. You are the collection that I have carried with me, adding to you as I've grown and changed. I let you change me. I needed you to change me. I let you hurt me. And since you're not actually in my life except in the imaginary one, I've agonized over the girls you've loved since you loved me. But it's all changed. You're free. I'm leaving you behind. You can date whomever you want to. You can live with whomever you want to. You can marry whomever you want to. Have pet cats and turtles and plants and your own lives with whomever you want. In your time you gave me something, you took something from me, we became something special together. But now carrying you with me is a weight and I can't handle it anymore - I'm losing myself in order to hold onto you. I wouldn't want to take back the experiences, the poems I wrote, and if I could I'd go back and write more, but I can't, and I want to write new poetry about new things anyway.

So thanks for all of it, and goodbye.
Moi.

This one's for the other boys

You are the ones that if I had the chance, I'd take it back. I'd undo it. I'd un-meet you. I'd un-love you. You don't exist in my imaginary world, you sit in the shadows, where the light hasn't hit yet, and you affect my actions and emotions and mood swings in ways I haven't quite figured out yet. This letter is basically to serve notice, you're being evicted. I'm getting my lamp ready and goin exploring through the recesses of my mind where you thought you were safe, and I'm cleaning house. It may take a while, but I'll get you. You're not welcome here anymore.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

plugging princess wonder again

This is especially for Steve, Jac has done a really brilliant post about African Politics in light of recent discussions and decisions about debt forgiveness. so check it out, y'all.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

once upon a time at a bbq in the beaches

It always energizes me to go down to the beaches to see my old friends, I never know who I'll end up having a really phenomenal heart to heart with. I never know who will turn up at one of these BBQ's which usually turn out to have a very Reunion-ish feel to them - sometimes just by the very fact that I'm there which is really rare. Melissa has a new boyfriend, and He's Not Graham... thank god. This is the sweetest little girl on the planet and for over a year she was living with one of the most mean spirited, hateful bastards I've ever had the misfortune to meet. So I did not get much time to bond with her because she was tangled up in him all evening. But he's really lovely. And in the same vein, Helen (R.) dropped by with a new boyfriend also - I don't think she's known him long but they just seemed to be in sync in such a beautiful way. And this girl who has always been awkward and sad (but honest and compassionate) looked so happy and quiet, with true inner peace instead of the old discomfort like she could never get comfortable in her own skin. I wanted to cry from joy to see her like that. The other Helen and Robynne were there too, before I got there. Derek (still hot) and his girlfriend (don't hate her anymore) were there for a few hours and it was really cool to watch their interaction, they've been living together for years and you can really tell. Also she brought up how she plays beach volleyball once a week and totally got me talking about big daddy and for that I earned an earful of advice. Basically, two months from now if we're still talking and nothings changed but we still "dig" each other I should start asking about the gf and begin waging a campaign of heavy artillery. so not my style, but it was fun to pretend i could actually do such things. intentionally take action to break them up. according to derek's girl they don't live together so there's no real commitment. Well, we all have different ideas about commitment I guess...

Around midnight, I made the mistake of thinking the party was winding down so I sat down on the kitchen floor with ryan and embarked on a lovely chat, to which helen joined shortly. And just as she was about to open up her chest and pull her heart out for us to examine, who should arrive but - yes, you guessed it BUTLER! And the other Ryan who is working on his first film which butler is helping him with. They had had a long day of shooting and finally felt up to joining the party. oh butler. does that man know how to hug or what. I could have stood there all night having him hold me like that. Yes, I did say I was over him. And I am. but that doesn't mean I don't love him. when you love someone you don't stop just because you don't still fantasize about your future relationship (never going to happen) and you hardly spend any time reliving those perfect moments you spent with them. So we spent some time talking about the stresses he's dealing with trying to get his films distributed and then about my future plans... "what are you going to go to school for?" "I don't quite know yet, but I'll decide. just something Artsy." "Don't you think you should figure it out first?" And I just love that. I explained the background of how I've never made a decision of what to do because I was afraid to choose wrong. And you know, I could do anything, (You could! I know you could!) so once I've made that decision I'll be happy just to be on the way. He still has that same wide eyed appreciation for me and my abilities and potential, and he's not afraid to kick my ass when he know's I tend to let it waste out of fear. he once told me (we were lamenting the state of television and in particular the dire lack of good, hip sitcoms) that I should write the next "Fresh Prince of Belair." {Do you know what big daddy said to me early last week? He said "I'm no expert, but I believe that you could do anything you want to.... But you actually have to get off your ass and do something to make it happen." I said, "I beg to differ, you just proved to be a certified Kristin Expert." He is saying shit all the time which really shows that same awe and admiration. borderline devotion.}

Lots of great things happened tonight, lots that was weird and ridiculous and silly and crazy... like the 19 year old boy (god is he ever cute) who kept kissing me and holding me and quoting napoleon dynamite and doing his chewbacca impression to impress me... I mean he is really cute. But so young. and thin! He's in high school. oh my gosh, a high school boy totally flirted with me. (Shut up Stephanie, I'm not a fucking cougar.) Okay, he flirted with just about everyone but still. that was so fun. And Butler totally shared his beer with me, and the whole time we sat together, and when we hugged good night (three of us had walked to his place and were dropping him off) he did not want to let go. count: that's two. yeah. butler hugged me twice. yeah.

the boys we love and that really love us, even if they are not the one we will eventually marry and make babies with, they teach us what we deserve, what we want, what we need. they help us learn who we are. The rest may hurt us, or wound us deeply, scar us, and sometimes change us irrevocably. I wish we could tell which one a boy is going to be before we take the journey with them. Because the men who've hurt me, wounded me, damaged me, they didn't teach me any lessons I actually wanted or needed to learn. I'm still healing, and one thing that really helps me is to think about butler, big daddy and some very significant others, and the way they make me feel, who I am because of them, who I want to be for someone very much like any and all of them.

Monday, June 06, 2005

most definitely, i have stuff to blog about...

but where does one even start?

I'm "drowning in randomness" so I don't know. Seems for the last little while I've been...ummm...distracted? A self inflicted distraction to keep me from dealing with "my shit." poor Big Daddy, became the victim or object of my affection and all so unnecessarily. not that he isn't deserving, not that he isn't wonderful, not that my feelings for him don't still linger. but I can remember the very moment I gave birth to the need for him... an almost fully-formed, conscious thought: I need a new crush. Because why? none of your beeswax, actually. sorry, I know, normally full disclosure is my policy. but I can't, not this time.

Amazing, though, how that works. It works whether the thing you want, need, ask for, decide on, is good for you you or not. the moment I decided I needed a new boy to throw my attention, love, desire, mind on - there he was. Pushing his way into my life, insisting that we be friends with virtual benefits. And in the same vain, almost consciously I assumed he must be som'n special cos I asked for him and he was given to me.

And now, things have changed or cooled off. Either one of us backed off and the other responded in kind (which one, I couldn't tell you) or we both backed off at the same time, and it is what it is but I miss him. My instinct - and with my big daddy I always always always follow my very first instinct - is to just go with the flow, let it be what it be and maybe it'll change again or maybe it'll die. So that's what I'm doing. But I'm missing my big daddy, I'm not writing poetry, I'm not in a cloud. I'm back on earth. drowning in all the questions that hit me so fast and furious, and so random about what to do now about my career, my education, my future. So if you are wondering why I'm not as light and bright and all that as I have been, that's why. It's not all bad. But it's not fun right now.

but i do have lots to say so I'm sure I'll blog again soon.
until then,
moi.

do I have stuff to blog about?

good old Goethe...

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back,
always ineffectiveness concerning all acts of initiative (and creation).

"There is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, that providence moves too.

"All sorts of things occur to help one that never would have otherwise
occurred. A stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material
assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

"Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now."

or as my buddy Hunter S. Thompson was fond of saying:

"Buy the Ticket, Take the (mofo) ride!"