a stream of consciousness that right now I can't predict where it'll go and I'm not even sure if the grammar will be good but I don't care. life is not always good and sometimes it even feels bad more often than not. what happens when you are walking down the street thinking of this friend who is achieving their dreams and thinking when am I going to go for it and then all of a sudden you realize you don't even feel them. Like they are not fueling me right now and I can't remember the last time they were a part of my day to day. And when that happens you know, you aren't doing anything to make them happen and really aren't getting closer and let's face it they are getting farther and farther away. the laws of thermodynamics apply to my life...
1. objects in motion tend to stay in motion, objects at rest tend to stay at rest
2. a system will tend to decay unless extra energy from an outside source is introduced.
it stands to reason that the more a system decays the more energy will be required to bring it back to order, and not only order but to a state of growing. the longer you stay at rest the more your life (mind, dreams, growth) will tend to decay. I know it's my fault, I'm the one who decided to rest, to introduce the sedatives into my mind but fuck I was tired. I'm tired and getting more tired. I hate that the problems I have now are the same as last year and the year before even though I was continually getting better and now it seems worse than ever. I hate that I am afraid to take that step to try, to really actually honest to goodness try and make the next step to make my life better. What if I fail? If I'm really actually honest to goodness just not good enough? Deep down I know it's not true that I'm smart and capable and persistent and good at coming up with solutions that make things better for myself and others, but deeper down, if I don't try I can't fail and prove myself wrong. Fuck what a fucking stupid mess. If I started I would not give up and I would get there and the sky would be the limit. When i lost my job last year I thought it was going to be the beginning of some great things for me but here I just saddled myself with a job that exhausts me and steals my energy and makes me kind of sad.
but I can't blame the job, it's totally my fault. I take responsibility for the life I live, the thoughts I think are what built it. One on top of the previous... having the power to build me up or tear me down, and even the words that others speak about me I'm the one who chooses to let those words define me for good or ill. these are just some of the things I've been thinking about lately. I feel like I am starting to come around again to living and feeling optimistic and reviving my dreams and being 'myself' again and making decisions and really believing that I can make things happen. But I need to organize my thoughts and this is the best way for me to do that and it's possible that my posting - if i do post - may not be all that uplifting so I'm sorry, I guess, but not really because this is my blog not yours. but the waters are murky, I'm struggling to see my way through. that's life, not always a walk through a meticulously manicured garden sometimes it's drowning or almost drowning and fighting for every breath. that's just how it is.
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5 comments:
bee, as much as i love you and understand what you're trying to say, the fact is I wasn't asking for advice. these are not things I don't know. that's not the point. that's not even the problem. first, it's the future i'm drowning in, not the past. second, sometimes life sucks. okay? sometimes the race does not go to the swift etc.,. sometimes you just have to go through it. if I was going to really get into this the comment would be longer than the post itself. but suffice it to say that the only thing that gets me through it is knowing that God is with me, and the support of my friends.
Well, since I didn't read this until April 4th I wasn't able to see this when I saw you on Sunday but..
Your prayer in fellowship, the one where I grabbed your arm? It hits even BIGGER now! ;) You know what I mean bud!
oh..and btw. Checking the time you wrote this and the date, no WONDER you got so weird about the iron..haha
A minister once said "When you have a problem, never tell more people than necessary". And I like that quote because I agree with it because there is a fine line between advertising negatives while knowing the way out and actually talking about how to get out of it...Dont know if I am making much sense but I will tend to agree with Elisabeth - Act or Dont Act but don't spread it, bask in it either - its not healthy! And yes its your blog but for anyone who cares about you its pretty alarming and for anyone who doesn't care its still almost self-destructive especially on the long term. Just like everyone I like happy endings.. doesn't matter that life is weird at times...its the outcome that counts and makes it all worthwhile.
Hey girl...
You know what, say what you want and feel what you feel, positive or negative. In my opinion riding through the negatives (and it's a bumpy ride that's for sure) is the only way to move beyond them. Those dark feelings can't be pushed into a dark corner and forgotten, I have never found that useful. What I have learned is that you need to look deeply at the ugly, the roadblocks - look at the details and figure out why they're holding you back. Most likely its due to fear of what you want most - it's not that you don't have anything to want it's that you can't see what those dreams are in the darkness.
And you're not back to where you were, you're not retreating - you're growing and I know that because you're stopping to look at what's going on, you're starting to question and analyze it and that's what help to break it down. Small steps, little chunks. More manageable, less scary.
And fuck thermodynamics - it's ruining my life. ;) You're not at rest and you're not decaying, you're continually moving forward with your life (you just happen to be on a big uphill right now and the going is a little slower). YOU ARE MOVING, GROWING!
I'll hold your hand if you need me to, help you find the strength to fight because girl, right now you have to stand up and kick the asses of those monsters that are haunting you in the daylight.
oh boy. I'm not basking in anything. I'm not wallowing. I'm dealing. I am being honest about my life and we all deal with it differently. for me I have to write it out, like I did and sometimes even more intensely and alarmingly. I guess I didn't need to publish it. what I am not going to do is lie and make my life seem butterflies and posies when it isn't. and yet it is, at the same time. I am not walking under a dark cloud with weight bearing on my shoulders, I am DEMANDING the peace I know I can have not by dwelling on the darkness, swimming in the hurt; but purging it. It was not my intention to be alarming and you're wrong suz, I feel 10X lighter and happier since writing this, far far far away from self destruction.
jac, sorry if I hurt your hand from squeezing so hard. thanks. you're too right about trying to ignore negative feelings - my trick has always been turning them inwards (internalizing) and making them mean that I am a horrible, unworthy and useless person. The thing is that those thoughts and influences are not really about me and don't prove anything regarding my worth. And killing them is the only way to be able to bask in who I truly am and can be/want to be.
I do love all four of you truly. I think it's interesting how our compassion and empathy can be dependent upon the situation the needy person is and how if we don't like the delivery we do tend to jump towards unsolicited advice and reproof that is actually unnecessary. Ah life.
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