Monday, August 21, 2006

what the world weighs

I've been trying to compose this for about a week now.

Here's how it started:

I was waiting for my bus home after work last monday when I pretty much started crying out of nowhere. Or so it would seem, because there's not much wrong with my life. things are okay! I have a great roommate, a funny cat that keeps me perpetually entertained, I love my new apartment, I had a perfect birthday party recently... I have a kinda sucky job that's true but really who cares because in a matter of weeks I'll be attending college full time and truly on my way to making my dreams come true. I have great friends (although I miss them all like crazy because everyone's so busy and my schedule is a mess...). So there I am with an okay life crying with such deep sorrow that it actually hurts physically. And to be completely honest I have not completely recovered.

It's this world, you see. the pain, the suffering, the hate, the isolation, the greed and anger... it's just all too much. I want to help make this world a better place, a nicer place in whatever small "pay it forward" ways that I can and as grand a scale as humanly possible. i feel it's my responsibility, as an individual with certain advantages that I've done nothing to deserve. I am a blessed person, in so many ways but especially in the sense that as often as I have been knocked down and had the crap kicked out of me by the world I've always been able to start over in a better place than I'd ever attained. Like so many of the people in my life I just never give in and believe what forces seem to want me to believe about myself. And I have so many people reminding me of just who I am. But this inner 'strength' is not something I claim credit for and these blessings I have not earned. But it's soooo hard. What can I do? I have no power, no clout. I can sign petitions and pass them on. I can buy wrist bands and install banners on my blog. I can start a career (in 16 months) that will be all about helping people improve the quality of their lives. I can recycle. I can reduce. I can conserve energy and not be driven to consume what the media tells me I should covet, and I can buy local and take transit. I can drink fair trade and organic coffee... the list you know it goes on. But I'm only one and everyday I still see water bottles and pop cans and paper in garbage cans. People still buy SUVs (?!?!?!). And everyday I see Corporate interests given more consideration than basic human necessities. Good people buy products everyday from companies that are exploiting entire nations of the disenfranchised poor. everyday I see the bombings and wars and beautiful cities destroyed. children die and some become monsters robbed of childhood, AIDS is still spreading and killing worldwide. Every person who loves also hates, we all deal angrily with others when we are angry at ourselves. We are silent when our spouse clearly needs the companionship and love we promised at the altar. We judge those who just have the misfortune of a different weakness then our own.

all is vanity. there is nothing new under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 12:13 in the Amplified Bible says: All has been heard; the end of the matter is: Fear God [revere and worship Him, knowing that He is] and keep His commandments, for this is the whole of man [the full, original purpose of his creation, the object of God's providence, the root of character, the foundation of all happiness, the adjustment to all inharmonious circumstances and conditions under the sun] and the whole [duty] for every man.

What does that mean? Does that mean I shouldn't care at all? Just put my head down and keep God's commandments and God will bless me and to hell with anyone else? that doesn't feel right, that's not my God. God clearly values rooted character, individual and collective happiness and adjustments to all inharmonious circumstances under the sun. It is the duty of all men. Jesus Christ bled compassion and love. and he told his disciples that as great as his works were, the works they would do would be greater.

I think I need to find a balance. I need to care and I need to love but I also need to be able to enjoy the blessings that are in my life - my roommate, my cat, my friends, my family, my awesome circle of believers. Then and only then can I withstand what the world weighs.


Sj said...

That's hard and I don't know what to say at this tired and exhausted moment except that the balance... well c'est necessaire.

Almost like sometimes you just need to not-boot but get totally OUT of the matrix

Kristin said...

I'm hoping that you might have more to say at a more opportune time. I was thinking of you when I wrote this.

Funny, what you did say, that you should say that. My camping trip, getting completely out of the matrix as you say, last month probably partially caused the crisis. I was completely away from it all, no news, no tv, no advertising - only green like you've never seen and brown and blue and true colours of real birds and real animals and God in creation. I never did recover completely from having to be back.

I think I'll probably have more to say once I get my pics back...

but I do feel an angst about all the buildings and noise now... I just feel uncomfortable. I feel an overwhelming desire to disconnect from the matrix again.

Jac said...

Hey kiddo,

WRT to your last comment - maybe the big city isn't the place for you - especially one as big and mean as TO. I mean you seem to need to touch nature and being further outside of the concrete jungle may provide the antecdote you're looking for. It definitely helped me when I moved out here - more green, more water, more balance.... Regardless, big hugs to you.


Stephanie said...

Kris, you have such an amazing and loving heart - it hurts to see you in so much pain over this. This world has already become a better place because of you - those small "pay it forward" ways that you have can make such a big impact on someone elses life that you may not realize. To you it can be something small, but to someone else it can mean the world.

I know that you did not post this to have people tell you how awesome you are, I know that you did it to bring awareness to things that are happening and as a way to help heal your heart. I know that I can try to be there for you, when you need to talk or cry.

I know that there is more I can do as a person to help you make this world a better place - you have been and will continue to be an amazing source of inspiration for people.

I love you!!

Kristin said...

that, by the way, was my roommate.

Suzy said...

I always read them weeks later but NICE POST. I thought it was well written - and I know what you mean especially about AIDS, malaria etc that still kills millions and yet we're spending even more billions for some people to go into space to visit. It can get upsetting - especially when you see it right in front of you.