streaming consciousness

So this will be a post where I just type and type to sort of think about all of the things going on in my busy little brain and roll it out before me flat so I can just check up on some things. What follows will likely be an edited version of the original... something I almost never do.

In this mind of Kristin there are layers of thought, layers of consciousness, layers of reality... and they are piled on top of one another, pieces covering others, obscuring and making things difficult to process properly. All of these unexamined and uninspected layers are still affecting my behaviour though, my actions, feelings and their antecedent thoughts... and I feel like it doesn't make sense. I'm contradicting myself. I'm not even sure how I really feel. Am I happy? Or am I sad? Is there some anger weaving itself through? Is there loneliness, or is that longing?

The only thing I truly understand is love. My love for my friends is uncomplicated. Gratitude cannot be exaggerated. Deepened understanding of people I've only partly known, deeper respect for people who have always deserved it but probably don't know how much, deeper admiration of my friends and all their beautiful qualities and the richness they add to my life. If you're reading this thinking that sounds like you, it is. If you're reading this hoping I think of you this way, I do.

Adding to the confusion are all these separate streams of discussion, which are all fun and interesting and I am learning a lot, I just find myself debating and 'arguing' which I actually I don't like. Laugh, chuckle, snort on that if you want, if you don't believe me. But it's true. I will (as many of you will attest) debate or argue until I pass out if I feel like I must, but it's not fun for me. There are many other ways of discussion I find more conducive to concensus and/or understanding and I much prefer a calmer dialogue or (poly?)logue (gosh, that's so not a word but I think you know what I mean). when I argue my blood rises and my vessels constrict and my brain doesn't function the way I like it to. I tend to feel defensive... fight or flight becomes my only guttural dilemma.

So I'm contradicting myself. I'm saying things that aren't strictly true, although they're not lies because I'm just not even thinking right. I'm lowering my level of decision processing, I'm convincing myself that ideas I detest are acceptable, feelings that surprise me are swept under rugs; I'm avoiding. I'm painfully aware of all the work sorting through this mess takes, the emotional toll of the consequences I've racked up... and I'm just 'goin where the wind takes me' cause it's easier.

My friends, I need you. I need the inspiration you never fail to provide. I need the love you never refuse. That being said, that 'comments' button is not an invitation to advice. This post is me being honest with myself. Advice is not necessarily asked for but phone and e-mail or at a coffee house would be the preferred venues.